The same make-up department that gave us TOS Klingons also attempted to portray actors 27 year old Michael Pollard and 19 year old Kim Darby as pre-adolescents. No one was fooled. Like all the slowly aging children on their planet, at the appearance of their first pubic hair, they become zombie-like psychotic killers covered in blue plastic stick-on makeup. It's a disease, and it's contagious. Another potion from McCoy saves the day.
After an accidental drug injection, Dr. McCoy becomes deranged and beams himself to a planet's surface. A large glowing Time Doughnut on the planet is showing Earth's history as a Cecil B. Demille-like movie in the doughnut hole, and transports Dr. McCoy to the past which he then screws up. Kirk follows and falls in love. So what else is new? The day is saved with stone knives and bearskins.
In a special effects tour de force, a crumpled toilet paper tube covered in aluminum foil and suspended by fishing line eats planets and threatens destruction of the heart of the galaxy. A PTSD poster child, Commodore Decker, seemingly not qualified to command a rowboat, takes the Enterprise to its near destruction. Transporter about as reliable as a 1980 Yugo is repaired in the nick of time by Scotty.
Apparently having no remote probes available to investigate dangerous astrophysical phenomena, the First Officer, Chief Medical Officer, Chief Engineer and four red-shirt types are crammed into a shuttlecraft, hurled into danger, and crash land on Planet of the Hairy Giants. 23rd century tech proves no match for cave men on steroids with big pointy sticks. Meanwhile, aboard the Enterprise, a Starfleet administrator plays the one-note role of incessant dork.
The entire senior crew beams down for a minor check-up on a research party. The young Ensign Chekov has apparently never seen a dead body before. He freaks out and nearly loses bladder control when he finds one. Lucky for him, because everyone else rapidly ages. A Starfleet administrative officer proves his ineptitude. McCoy saves the day with a curative potion that makes everyone an adrenaline junkie.
Giving new meaning to the 7-year itch, Mr. Spock, overwhelmed with horniness, commandeers the Enterprise and heads to Vulcan to find relief from the problem. Unfortunately, his betrothed is a two-timing conniver who dumps him using a loophole in the bizarre Vulcan mating ritual rules. Spock kills Kirk, but McCoy dupes everyone with a death-simulating potion. The whole fiasco works like a cold shower for Spock. To the delight of major geeks, the Vulcan dictionary gets its start.
The Enterprise's computer is upgraded from its 286 processor to the M5, apparently a more user-friendly Apple-like product. Dr. Richard Daystrom, a Steve Jobs-equivalent character comes on board to supervise. The motherboard goes crazy and freezes up. Turning off and then back on doesn't work. Computer gets a new mother-related moniker. Kirk's humanity saves the day. Ship goes back to PCs.
Idyllic planet proves to be a real-life holodeck. Using 1960s UHF TV antennae to read minds, the crew is tantalized and terrorized for rest and relaxation fun. After beating up an old robo-nemesis, Kirk finds a robo-babe old flame from the distant past, and no surprise, plastic or not, he's in love again. No charge from the owners of the park.
A 40 year old carpet ripped up from the studio cafeteria floor, covered in melted plastic, and thrown over a stunt man, acts as the silicon-based life form Horta, terrorizing pergium miners. 8000 rubber balls spray painted silver were mommy Horta's eggs, and the miners were recklessly busting them up, then getting melted by mommy Horta. McCoy turns out to be a bricklayer Jim, not a doctor.
After an emergency call from Deep Space Station K-7, we meet apparently benign Klingons on the limited 1960s Klingon costume and make-up budget. Little round furballs- cuddly reproduction machines, like purring cats without the teeth, claws, tail, paws or cat poop are for sale, and Uhura obtains one. The mathematics of exponential reproduction are soon on display. The little furballs uncover a dastardly Klingon plot and save the day.
After a head bonk and the TV version of amnesia, Kirk does CPR on a kid, and finds himself the designated medicine man guru among a tribe of alien Native American-equivalents. He can't remember much, but he hasn't forgotten how to fall in love. No surprise. It takes months to remember, but the password is...'Kirk to Enterprise'.
Three disembodied brains made of bubble wrap and colored lights transport Kirk, Uhura, and Chekov to their planet for gladiator fights and fun wagering. With a dog shock collar in place, Kirk is taught gladiator skills by Shahna- huge hair, over the top brassiere technology, and mid-two digit IQ. Kirk goes all in with the bubble wraps and saves the day. As a bonus, the music score features the recurring TOS fight music: diddle-iddle-ump…diddle-iddle-ump…diddle iddle-iddle-iddle-diddle-iddle-ump.
Surrounded by Romulans, and after killing Kirk with the sham Vulcan Death Grip, the suave and debonair Bond-like Spock shares food, drink, and hot finger-rubbing with the beautiful but gullible Romulan commander. Meanwhile, the now pointy-eared Kirk swipes the Romulan’s cloaking device, and they head for the hills in this Trek-caper episode.
Prime directive…Schmime directive. Get someone on the blower. Dees guys want some heaters. Right? Check.
Why did the Federation even bother to waste ink on the Prime Directive? Here's a great idea. Let’s go to someone else's planet and teach the aliens to be Nazis. Really? So why is Kirk’s old professor playing Fuhrer? Of course…he’s drugged. Another McCoy potion brings him around in the nick of time to expose the plotters. Neat light bulb laser, but still can’t find rubindium on the periodic table.
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