And then the horse is like, 'I have fired the horse-catcher.' He can do that? That shouldn't be allowed no matter who the horse is.
My dad is so weird.
Like years later, I’d be in college about to go down on some rocking twink, and I’d be like...
I've never talked to my dad about any of that…
Detective J.J. Bittenbinder wore three-piece suits. He also wore a pocket watch. Two years in a row, he wore a cowboy hat. He also had a huge handlebar mustache.
You know how a mugger thinks. 'Man, I need cash for drugs right now.'
I don't care for these new Nazis.
Bittenbinder told me things that haunt me to this day. He came one year for assembly. He goes, 'Okay, when you get kidnapped…'
In high school people were like, 'What are your top three colleges?' I was like, 'Top three colleges?'
College was like a four-year game show called Do My Friends Hate Me Or Do I Just Need to Go to Sleep?
How dare you clap? How dare you clap for the worst financial decision I ever made in my life? I paid $120,000 for someone to tell me to go read Jane Austen...
And then one day my wife said, 'Hey, you took that stuff to Goodwill, right?' And I said, 'Of course I did!'
Why don’t you give me a candle for looking in the mirror and a floppy hat and I’ll tremble off to bed in my long Victorian nightgown?
You ever heard a joke played in court? Never goes well. They’re like, ''And that’s why you shouldn’t give… to charity.' Is that something you find funny, Mr. Mulaney?'
Hey, do you want me to kill that guy for you? Because it sounds like he sucks and I will totally kill that guy for you.
I was sitting up in bed a few weeks ago like… [groans]
I'm gross. I have hair on my shoulders now.
I’m 35, but I’m still like, 'Hey, when am I going to get big and strong?' This is it. It’s just going to be this.
You spend most of your day telling a robot that you’re not a robot.
Building a gazebo during the Civil War...
The updates, they’re not always bad. Sometimes they’re just odd. It’ll be like, 'The horse used the elevator?'
I've never really cared about politics. Never talked about 'em much.
Sometimes, if you make fun of the horse, people will get upset.
I don’t check up on people when they seem okay at their job. If you left your baby with your mother tonight, you’re not going to race home and check the nanny cam.
These new Nazis are like, 'Jews are the worst, Jews ruin everything, and Jews try to take over your life.' It’s like, 'You know what, motherf*cker? My wife is Jewish.'
I'm allowed to make fun of my wife.
Also, I would never say that, not even as a joke, that my wife is a bitch and I don’t like her. That is not true.
Fourteen years ago, I smoked cocaine the night before my college graduation.
I like to make fun of [the Catholic Church] all day long, but then if someone like Bill Maher says, 'Who would believe in a man up in the sky?' I’m like...
It’s just dads singing so loud, thinking that’ll somehow get their kids to sing. My dad once grabbed me by the shirt and lifted me up during church and said...
Quiz Playlist
Details
Clickable: Select answers by clicking on text or image buttons
In order to create a playlist on Sporcle, you need to verify the email address you used during registration. Go to your Sporcle Settings to finish the process.
Comments