The fellas say, 'Hey, moron! Pass the gin!' Cause I'm an OXYmoron breathing OXYgen.
I'll drop my books and then I'll bend and then I'll bend a little more. Everybody thinks Ashley's my best friend. Well that bitch is a ****.
I see you from across the crowd. I said the party is bumpin’ and the music is loud. You’re really drunk and you’re looking sad. It’s like a date rape ad.
You know I'm a gangsta, you know I do coke, But I had to go to diet, cause it burnt my throat. I've been doin' drive-bys all of my life, Cept the bullets are newspapers, the car is my bike.
Because they told me to love Jesus I chose an alternative route Well I so sad when he was in that cave but I was thrilled when he came out
My whole family now is shocked. I'm in the closet, and the door is locked. Now my glory days are gone I was John Elway, now I'm Elton John.
Bo Burnham
But I just don't know, I said I just don't care. My flow's so cold I need a tampon from a polar bear. Cause you can smell and spell my stink. B.O. lingers and it makes you think.
My whole family now is shocked. I'm in the closet, and the door is locked. Now my glory days are gone I was John Elway, now I'm Elton John.
The fellas say, 'Hey, moron! Pass the gin!' Cause I'm an OXYmoron breathing OXYgen.
And I want you. Yeah, like a Lawyer/Mathematician wants some kind of proof. And I want you. Yeah, like JFK wanted a car with a roof.
Cuase Helen Keller was my miracle worker, I was her one-man-show, I could walk around the house naked, and she wouldn't even know.
I see you from across the crowd. I said the party is bumpin’ and the music is loud. You’re really drunk and you’re looking sad. It’s like a date rape ad.
Are you a Mexican? Cause you seem confused. Senor...Que? Que? Que?
What's a bag of chips divided by five? That's a Nike worker's meal. And Santa clause multiplied by 'i'? Well, I guess that makes him real.
She got me with her looks. She got me with her stare. Bright blue eyes and her long blonde hair. From the start it was easy to see, this was the girl for me. Who cares if she was 83?
She used to please me everyday, then she made it clear that Santa's only s'pose to come once year.
Because Youtube is a place for people to share their ideas. If by people, you mean 13-year-old girls, and by ideas, you mean how they love the Jonas Brothers.
He's a pyrotechnic, and he loves to play with knives. And our little buddy gives the weirdest high fives.
Words Words Words
I'm a feminine eminem, a slim shady lady. But nice cause I texted haiti. 90 lady cops on the road and I'm arrested for doing 80.
Hittin' the club up VIP. I got a fake mustache and a fake ID. I look like Wooly Willy with a really wooly willy.
If your an Asian comic, just get up and say, 'My mother's got the weirdest **** accent,' then just do a Chinese accent, because everybody laughs at the Chinese accent.
Men are like muzzles, ya, cause they will try to shut you up. Women are like puzzles cause prior to 1920 neither had the right to vote.
I adopted a child from overseas to rescue him from child labor factories. And on his very first birthday, we went to Build-A-Bear workshop.
Hallelujah, now it's raining men, because the gender ratio is 1 to 10. Winos at the Eucharist station, trans-gendered-substantiation.
Have you ever been to a birthday party for children, and one of the children won't stop screaming cause he's just a little attention attractor? When he grows up to be a comic or actor.
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