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Can you name the South Park character who has done the following?

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ActionCharacter
Works at Tom's Rhinoplasty
Has diabetes
Fought a character because he made fun of breast cancer
Gave himself cancer to buy marijuana
Learned to read in order to solve a case
Vigilante with the alter ego 'Mysterion'
Had surgery to become a dolphin
Had therapy for being a hoarder
Became the prophet of Scientology
Had a 22 year old boyfriend who was in a band
Can only say his own name
Almost was married to a succubus
Began selling his own 'goo' in a sports drink
ActionCharacter
Had underpants stolen by gnomes
Fed Scott Tenorman his own parents via chili
Went to Peru to fulfill his destiny
Political Activist; waged war on Canada
Contracted AIDS from another character
Had an affair with a kindergarden teacher
Had a sanctuary for gay animals
Starred in an adaptation of Great Expectations
Left the toilet seat up and killed his mother
Began taking steroids to enhance his abilities
Had 2 sex changes
Has a dead fetus on her face

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