Spends the night telling funny, bawdy stories. His wife, Mary Todd, keeps giving him dirty glances and fakes a headache so they have to leave early.
Everyone is upset as he eats first. To fill his enormous belly, he ends up eating most of what was set out. White House cooks have to make more food for everyone else.
He would make Thanksgiving great again by getting the most unbelievable turkey. The biggest turkey. It was so huge.
Tells stories about hunting in Africa, sailing down the Amazon, and being a cowboy in the Dakotas. He ends up wrestling Lincoln and they both share a laugh afterwards.
Comes for dinner. Leaves. Comes back four hours later and wants dinner again.
Wants to be served by alphabetical order so that he is served third. He is voted down.
Sneaks away from his wife whenever he can so he can check out the other first ladies, especially Jackie Kennedy. He slips her his number when JFK isn't looking.
Has a hearty appetite at dinner, but won't eat the corn on the cob as it is hard to get out of his wooden teeth.
His navy injury acts up a lot, but he fights through it and is rather charming. Clinton asks him if he has Marilyn Monroe's number handy.
Gets snippy with John Adams and asks him 'How is your memorial doing? Oh right. you don't have one.' Adams sulks away. The two of them make up later on.
Several of the Civil War presidents approach him to talk about what he had to do with the planning for Normandy. They also share stories of West Point together.
He keeps trying to show movies that he made as a younger man. The only one people want to see is 'Bedtime for Bonzo'.
Gets upset several times and threatens to duel a few of the guys. Polk, his friend, calms him down and they both talk about living in Tennessee.
Keeps asking if any British are coming to dinner. His wife Dolly reminds him that was 1814 and they won't burn down the White House tonight.
Someone puts on an SNL presidential special. He laughs when he sees Will Ferrell imitating him. Then reminds everyone that he was in a Harold and Kumar movie.
Makes a 'doctrine' that declares Taft cannot get seconds on any dish. The dishes that are out are for everyone who is here. Everyone but Taft laughs.
Reminds everyone when the pineapple stuffing is served, that Hawaii is American because of him. Everyone replies that they know.
Washington and Jefferson refer to him as the best No. 2 in the nation. He can't understand why everyone keeps snickering at him.
Gets wasted on jugs of hard cider and keeps telling everyone who will listen about his victory against the Indians at Tippecanoe.
Declares it is his manifest destiny to annex the dessert table before Taft gets to it first. Everyone laughs, except Taft.
Argues with G. W. Bush over who was the better 'presidential son'. Bush wins when Bush says he was a two-termer. He leaves the party to go to the one in the House of Rep.
Offers the other guys a tasty dessert of cherries and cream. He claims they are 'to die for.' Nobody has any.
When the guys get injured from fighting, wrestling, or just being near Jackson, he approaches them and says, 'Hey, I tried to give you healthcare.', looks at Trump, and walks away.
Cries when he gets into an argument with Clinton. While both were impeached, Clinton reminds him that he was 1 vote shy of getting booted out of office.
Spends a lot of time denying that he is the inventor of the vacuum cleaner. Keeps checking the kitchen for pots full of chicken.
Is mad few remember who he is. Taylor brings up his questionable record of passing out in the Mexican War. He replies he is better than Buchanan was. Fillmore snickers at him.
Someone reminds him of the charge that he used to steal the 'spoons' of people when he was in NY and as vice president. Everyone watches him the whole night to see if he steals.
Brings up 14 points why they should watch the SNL presidential special instead of the movies the 40th president brought with him.
Invites some of the guys down to the bowling alley he had installed in the White House. He promises that the recording devices have all been turned off.
Sits in the corner and drinks a lot when Lincoln says, 'Hey, thanks for stopping secession. Great job there.' People ask where his wife is, but are then reminded he has none.
Is thankful that the Lions are losing on Thanksgiving as it is a 'return to normalcy'. The other Ohioans warn people to stay away from him as he is pretty corrupt.
This big Texan is loud and boisterous and quite profane in his language. Wants to know when the Cowboys are on. Lady Bird tells him to calm down.
Is laughing along with the SNL presidential special, but gets up at seeing Chevy Chase playing him. Mutters to himself that 'I'm not that clumsy!'
Keeps showing videos on youtube with his Christmas light display feature 'a thousand points of light!'
Only will drink the lemonade and swears that Grant is trying to pour gin into his glass. (Turns out it was FDR).
Keeps denying that he was drunk during the Civil War, but some of the guys swear they see him eyeing the bottles of brandy and whiskey.
Most of the other presidents wonder who he is. Few remember he was even president.
Hangs out with the Whig presidents. They ignore him. Hangs out with the Democrats. They disown him too. Reminds everyone he ran with Tippecanoe. No one cares.
Keeps trying to get the jug of cider away from his grandfather. He is very unsuccessful.
Drinks a lot of gin and smokes a lot of cigarettes. Slays everyone when he slumps out of his wheelchair saying ,'I've fallen and I can't get up.' Eleanor is not amused.
Brings homemade peanut brittle made from peanuts from his farm back home.
When he arrives, makes a joke that says Thomas Dewey thought he was going to be invited. Looks like he was wrong about that too. Everyone laughs.
Tries to warn Trump about political job seekers and what they can do for you. He points out someone who thought he deserved an ambassadorship shot him. Trump asks him Who are you?
Doesn't say a word the whole night.
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