'Kids, I’m going to tell you an incredible story. The story of how I met your mother.'
'Will you marry me?'
'Perfect! And then she says yes, you’re engaged, you pop the champagne, drink a toast, have sex on the kitchen floor. Don’t have sex on our kitchen floor. '
'Hey, so you know how I’ve always had a thing for half-Asian girls? Well, now I’ve got a new favorite: Lebanese girls! Lebanese girls are the new half-Asians.'
'Urgh. I’m exhausted. It was finger painting day at school, and a five year old boy got to second base with me. Wow, you’re cooking?'
'Let me guess, Ted?'
'Yeah, is this going to take a while?'
'Are we being punished for something?'
'Actually, I’m from Bangladesh.'
'I should tell you, I have a rule. I never hook up at weddings.'
'Hi. One ticket to Farhampton, please.'
'Ah, the butterfly tramp stamp. My bread and butter. So I'm guessing that the real story involves a bad breakup and some booze. Unless it's a gang tattoo, in which case, I think it
'This is court mandated therapy. You assaulted a woman!'
'Wow, you have enormous penis syndrome? I've never heard of that.'
'And for the birthday boy, lasagna.'
'Beautiful building, right?'
'But you can, and should, call me: The Captain.'
''Sup, Shmosby?!'
'He's so dreamy!'
'Spectacular? Why, thank you.'
'Where's my almost daughter-in-law?'
'Yes, sweetie, but look! I just finished my new board game hit, 'The Merchant of Sleep in Tijuana.''
'Dude, you are the hottest girl at this prom, and not like in a corporate, plastic way. Like, truly, truly hot. Like a hot soul.'
'Well, boys, you look different because when I was pregnant with you, I only ate vanilla ice cream. And when I was pregnant with you, can you guess what kind of ice cream I ate?'
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