Lewis Black: Candy corn is the only candy in the history of America that's never been advertised.
George Carlin: Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot...
Jimmy Carr: I said to my girlfriend, 'You shouldn't eat before swimming.' She said, 'Why is that?'
Mike Birbiglia: I was on the subway the other day, and the guy next to me was crying over a book. He was actually crying.
Rodney Dangerfield: My mother never breast-fed me.
Phyllis Diller: You talk about making waves...
Jeff Foxworthy: I always thought you couldn't talk about rednecks unless you are one.
Jim Gaffigan: You ever talk about a movie with someone who happens to have read the book? They're always so condescending. 'Oh the book was much better.'
Mitch Hedberg: I tried walking into Target...
Gabriel Iglesias: People go, why do you drink diet soda?
Norm Macdonald: The only country that really worries me is the country of Germany.
Demitri Martin: To me, swimming is a confusing sport.
Moms Mabley: I married another old man. Older than the other one. Old. Older than his birthday.
Steve Martin: I like a woman with a head on her shoulders.
Ali Wong: I can tell that I'm getting older.
John Pinette: [My nutritionist] said to me, 'Are you a vegetarian?' 'Not in the strictest definition.'
Richard Pryor: Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings...
Brian Regan: Adolf Hitler was rejected as a young man in his application to art school. One thing led to another...
Joan Rivers: Half of all marriages end in divorce.
Chris Rock: If OJ drove a bus, he wouldn't even be OJ.
Jerry Seinfeld: eBay, another great step forward in human culture.
Yakov Smirnoff: Another ad in the paper said, 'We guarantee our furniture and we stand behind it for six months.'
Robin Williams: In England, if you commit a crime, you don't have a gun, and the police don't have a gun. So if you commit a crime, it's...
Steven Wright: I installed a skylight in my apartment...
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