Entertainment Quiz / Quotable Comedians

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Can you name the comedians who said these funny quotes?

 Plays Quiz Updated Aug 20, 2019

Score 0/20 Timer 08:00
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.
I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
I had to stop drinkin', cuz I got tired of waking in my car driving ninety.
When I was a little kid, we had a quicksand box. I was an only child … eventually.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
Have you ever noticed that anybody going slower than you is an idiot and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
I’m not a good lover, but at least I’m fast.
I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.
The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.
My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law.
Please, if you ever see me getting beaten up by the police, please put your video camera down and help me.
My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside.
When you're eight years old nothing is your business.
The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
I am not afraid of death. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
You might be a redneck if...you've ever cut your grass and found a car.
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

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