Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

Can you name the missing words from the Norm MacDonald quotes?

By druhutch
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# of wordsQuote
3And, in a related story, this week marked the 5,000th performance of the Broadway musical “Cats.” It also marked the 5,000th time a guy turned to his wife and said, “What the ______?”
3Standing outside a New York City courtroom this week, Paula Jones was berated by passing New Yorkers who called her names such as 'sl**' and 'wh***.' Observers say the situation grew even worse when the crowd realized ______.
3Seventy percent of diners polled this week said there should be no smoking in restaurants. And eighty percent of diners said that restaurants should give away their ______.
1The FDA has approved a drug used for anti-depression to help people quit smoking. Though it should be noted, the drug is ______.
2According to the National Transportation Safety Board, sleepy truckers are responsible for one thousand deaths a year. In second place? ______ at two deaths a year.
1Yippee! Jerry Rubin died last week! ... Oh ... I'm sorry, that should read “______ Jerry Rubin died last week.”
1Under a new law passed by the State Assembly, effective next year, Michigan will set aside an allotment of hunting licenses for blind people. This after years of relentless lobbying by ______.
1In a touching Valentine’s Day gesture, a man gave his wife one of his own kidneys. Terrified, she dropped the kidney, and ran out of the ______ screaming.
# of wordsQuote
1Kenny G has a Christmas album out this year. Hey, happy birthday, Jesus! Hope you like ______!
1This week, Disney released a new CD featuring a rapping Mickey Mouse. To avoid controversy, the CD will not include the controversial hit single “______ Killer.”
3And, in business news, American Express has announced plans to lay off three thousand workers. According to the company, employees will be notified of the layoffs with pink slips reading simply, “______...”
2The Food and Drug Administration announced today that while one ounce of Special K with four ounces of milk is a good dietary source of protein, one ounce of Special K with five ounces of milk is ______.
3In Los Angeles this week, the defense suffered a setback in the second O.J. trial when Simpson was ordered to turn over a secret videotape which lawyers say contains proof of his guilt. What's on the tape? The ______.
2And the British Sunday Times is reporting that Belgian doctors have accidentally cloned a human being. The human being? You guessed it:______.
3In a recent interview, Christie Brinkley suggested that football players should have special gloves connected to lights on their helmets, that way, when they catch the ball, you'll know who has possession. Read these and other interesting ideas in Christie's new book: “_____.”
3In Detroit, under a new prison rehabilitation program called Fresh Start, employers will get a tax break if they hire an ex-convict. Employers who hire more than one ex-convict will get ______.
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