|Quote||C, P, or O|
|I have run 10 miles a day, every day, for 18 years. That's 65 thousand miles. A third of the way to the moon. My goal is to run to the moon.|
|-What are you reading?|
-Oh! That is my favorite ocean.
|I typed your symptoms into the thing up here and it says you could have 'network connectivity problems'.|
|At that moment, we stopped being a family, and started being a family...in italics.|
|And then, my last job was at a Taco Bell Express. But then it became a full-time Taco Bell and...I dunno. I couldn't keep up.|
|No, we leave the TV on all day long so burglars think we're home when we're not. Which is my idea that I'm trying to patent.|
|-I have a hernia.|
-Do you have syphilis?
-I said I have a hernia.
-I know. It's possible to have two things at once.
|Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Don't teach a man to fish, and you feed yourself. He's a grown man. Fishing's not that hard.|
|-I noticed you've had a good year. Good boy. You turning that money into more money?|
-Are you referring to alchemy?
|I will have the spaghetti and a side salad. If the salad's on top, I will send it back.|
|Anybody can be Prince Charming one day a year with the dinner and the flowers and all that. But you know what impresses me? When a guy can do that no days a year. |
|-It was on company property, with company property. Double jeopardy-we're fine. |
-I don't think you understand how jeopardy works.
-Oh, sorry: What is 'we're fine'.
|You can yell at me all you want. I've seen enough movies to know that popping the back of raft makes it go faster.|
|The less I know about others' affairs, the happier I am. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.|
|It's called a Complisult. Part compliment, part insult. He invented them. I coined the term. See what I just did there? That was an explainabrag.|
|You should be like Calvin! His best friend was a tiger, he always went on dope adventures, and if anything stood in his way, he just peed on it!|
|-The problem right now is that he's calling me 'baby'. He's trying to hold my hands. It's getting a little relationship-y and...he gave me something.|
|I used to love Tiger Woods because he was a great champion. But after that sex scandal? The man is a god.|
|Everyone steals. My favorite movie is Love Don't Cost a Thing-which is based on Can't Buy Me Love, which was based on Kramer Vs. Kramer or something, which I think was Shakespeare.|
|-You're a football player. It's in your blood!|
|What is it about me that make broken people flock to me? Is it my height? Do huddled masses mistake me for the statue of liberty?|
|Let me ask you, is there a term besides 'Mexican' that you prefer? Something less offensive? |
|Why does the Sun rise in the morning? Why do magnets stick together? Because everybody says so. Everybody.|
|I'm sorry are you eating Turkey Chili off of a frisbee?|
|I wish my mouth was farther away from my brain. I wish my brain had its own brain.|
|I was shunned from the age of four until my sixth birthday, for not saving the excess oil from a can of tuna.|