Community, Parks, or Office?

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Can you name the show, Community, Parks and Recreation, or The Office, that is quoted below?

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QuoteC, P, or OCharacters
And then, my last job was at a Taco Bell Express. But then it became a full-time Taco Bell and...I dunno. I couldn't keep up.
I wish my mouth was farther away from my brain. I wish my brain had its own brain.
-I have a hernia.

-Do you have syphilis?

-I said I have a hernia.

-I know. It's possible to have two things at once.
At that moment, we stopped being a family, and started being a family...in italics.
You should be like Calvin! His best friend was a tiger, he always went on dope adventures, and if anything stood in his way, he just peed on it!
Would that this hoodie were a time hoodie!
You can yell at me all you want. I've seen enough movies to know that popping the back of raft makes it go faster.
When you guys first came in we were as wholesome and healthy as the family in The Brady Bunch. And now we're as dysfunctional and incestuous as the cast of The Brady Bunch.
Haircuts. There are three acceptable haircuts: High and tight, crew cut, buzz cut. Are the scissors broken in your house, son?
Everyone steals. My favorite movie is Love Don't Cost a Thing-which is based on Can't Buy Me Love, which was based on Kramer Vs. Kramer or something, which I think was Shakespeare.
What is it about me that make broken people flock to me? Is it my height? Do huddled masses mistake me for the statue of liberty?
'When life hands you lemons, make lemonade.' I read that once. On a box of lemonade. But I like to think it applies to life.
-You're a football player. It's in your blood!

-That's racist.

-Your soul!

-That's racist.

-Your eyes?

-That's...gay?
The less I know about others' affairs, the happier I am. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.
Of all feelings to base a show around...'glee'? 'Thirst'--now that's a show I'd watch.
She has more fights about stuff that doesn't matter than a YouTube comment section.
She broke up with me. Didn't really tell me why. Luckily when you're the guy you can just tell people she's crazy. That's what they always do on Entourage.
I have run 10 miles a day, every day, for 18 years. That's 65 thousand miles. A third of the way to the moon. My goal is to run to the moon.
What sort of movie would Rudy have been if he'd just stopped and given up after two rejections? Would've been a lot shorter. Probably been a lot funnier.
I was shunned from the age of four until my sixth birthday, for not saving the excess oil from a can of tuna.
While I was alseep he tried to pull out one of my teeth. I literally woke up with his hand in my mouth. We went out a couple times after that but then he got weird.
I'm sorry are you eating Turkey Chili off of a frisbee?
I will have the spaghetti and a side salad. If the salad's on top, I will send it back.
I have it on very good authority that within 20 years everyone will be speaking German. Or a Chinese-German hybrid.
-I noticed you've had a good year. Good boy. You turning that money into more money?

-Are you referring to alchemy?
Anybody can be Prince Charming one day a year with the dinner and the flowers and all that. But you know what impresses me? When a guy can do that no days a year.
QuoteC, P, or OCharacters
-Do they do stuff to your butt?

-No.

-Do you get paid more if they do stuff to your butt?

-No.

-It's fine. I'll do it. I'm in.
-What are you reading?

-The Atlantic.

-Oh! That is my favorite ocean.
This girl was really rude to me at the mall, so I created a fake IM account from a hot guy at her high school, and now I'm trying to make her anorexic.
I call eggs pre-birds, or future birds. Root beer is super water. Tortillas are bean blankies. And I call forks...food rakes.
My goal was to learn a new word every day, and I must say that it is going immensely.
-We're registered at Linens N' Things.

-We have plenty of linens; we mainly want the things.
I'm gonna go see a man about some porcelain, you know what I mean? I'm not buying cocaine. I'm going to the bathroom. The wiz palace as I like to call it.
-That's one of my biggest fears.

-What is?

-If I ever woke up as a doughnut.

-You would eat yourself.

-I wouldn't even question it.
-It was on company property, with company property. Double jeopardy-we're fine.

-I don't think you understand how jeopardy works.

-Oh, sorry: What is 'we're fine'.
You know who has real conversations? Ants. They talk by vomiting chemicals in each other's mouths. They get right down to brass tacks.
-Who the hell is 'Fwarp'?

-I don't know. I couldn't really hear him. It sounded like his name was Fwarp.

-Get his number?

-No.

-Good girl.
Let me ask you, is there a term besides 'Mexican' that you prefer? Something less offensive?
Am I going to tell them? No, I'm not going to tell them. I don't see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer.
What is wrong with these people? They have no willpower. I once went 28 years without having sex. And then again for seven years.
Oh I'm serious, baby. I am Yahoo Serious. I'm Serious FM. Welcome to the world serious of seriousness sponsored by Honey Nut Seerioes.
Why does the Sun rise in the morning? Why do magnets stick together? Because everybody says so. Everybody.
It's called a Complisult. Part compliment, part insult. He invented them. I coined the term. See what I just did there? That was an explainabrag.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Don't teach a man to fish, and you feed yourself. He's a grown man. Fishing's not that hard.
I used to love Tiger Woods because he was a great champion. But after that sex scandal? The man is a god.
I typed your symptoms into the thing up here and it says you could have 'network connectivity problems'.
No, we leave the TV on all day long so burglars think we're home when we're not. Which is my idea that I'm trying to patent.
Fishing relaxes me. It's like yoga except I still get to kill something.
You drive. I got a car full of fox meat.
I was never one to hold a grudge. My father held grudges. I'll always hate him for that.
-The problem right now is that he's calling me 'baby'. He's trying to hold my hands. It's getting a little relationship-y and...he gave me something.

-Herpes?

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