| Quote | Episode |
|---|
| I lost my train of thought because you have so much margerine in your hair | |
| I always thought the desire to procreate showed deep personal weakness | |
| I will no longer be carrying photo i.d. Know why? People should know who I am | |
| My parents were famous Nazi hunters, so they weren't around a lot | |
| So, you like show tunes. It doesn't mean you're gay, it just means you're awful! | |
| (subject of episode) belongs to me and I will not be copied: it's in my contract | |
| You're dealling with children, they need to be terrified. It's like mother's milk to them | |
| I won't be burying any hatchets unless I get a clear shot at your groin | |
| I'm not going to do this; even your breath smells of mediocrity | |
| On assembly days, I arrange for the rest of the school to be fumigated so the gym is the only place with clean air | |
| I like minorities so much, I'm, thinking of moving to California to become one | |
| Never let anything stop you from winning | |
| I told them to yank those tear ducts out of there: wasn't using them | |
| I've got a secret room upstairs, like Letterman | |
| You have enough product in your hair to season a wok | |
| Get out of my office, if you manage to squeeze through the doorway without your water breaking all over my new carpet | |
| Your hair looks like a briar patch. I keep expecting little, racist, animated Disney characters to pop out of it and start singing songs about livin' down on the bayou! | |
| As soon as I figure out the difference between slander and libel, I'm suing you! | |
| You sunk my battleship, Rod, and you sunk it hard | |
| I just want one day where I am not visually assaulted by uglies and fatties! | |
| I'm engorged with venom and triumph | |
| Your resentment is delicious | |
| | Quote | Episode |
|---|
| I was aroused, and then furious | |
| Yes We Cane! | |
| You think this is hard? I'm currently passing a gallstone as we speak: that's hard! | |
| That was the most offensive thing i've seen in twenty years of teaching, and that includes an elementary school production of Hair | |
| You think this is hard? Try auditioning for Baywatch and have them tell you they're going in a different direction, that was hard. | |
| I never understood how hard it is to get laughed at; especially in slow motion | |
| You think this is hard? Try being waterboarded: that's hard! | |
| You three are boring me now, I'm going to find something else to do | |
| I'm going to make it a habit to not stop and talk to students because this has been a colossal waste of my time | |
| I'm about to vomit down your back | |
| I spend large segments of each day picturing you choking on food, and I recently contacted an exotic animal dealer because I had a very satisfying dream that I once shoved your fac | |
| I thought I smelled cookies baking in the ovens of the elves living in your hair | |
| I resent being told to hold onto anything | |
| I'm about to projectile 'express yourself' all over your hushpuppies | |
| You may be two of the stupidest teens I've ever taught, and that's saying something. I once taught a cheerleading seminar to a young Sarah Palin | |
| I might buy a small diaper for your chin, because it looks like a baby's butt | |
| From Fort Wayne, Indiana, the not-at-all stupidly named Aural Intensity | |
| What if I were to innocently murder you, Will? I'd still have to go to trial, probably get off for justifiable homicide | |
| Try not being homeless for once! | |
| How do you two not have a show on Bravo? | |
| What would (subject of episode) do? Well the answer to that would be date a younger man | |
| I empower my Cheerios to be champions. Do they go to college? I don't know; I don't care | |
| | Quote | Episode |
|---|
| Hot Cheetos have been proven to raise endorphins and make kids happy, and I can't have that | |
| I got a satellite interview. That's lingo for an interview via satellite | |
| I will go to the animal shelter and get you a kitty cat. I will let you fall in love with that kitty cat. And then on a dark, cold night I will steal away into your home and punch | |
| I'm seriously gonna puke in your mouth | |
| What you call insanity, I call inspiration | |
| I haven't had a solid meal since 1987 | |
| You'll be adding revenge to the long list of things you're no good at. | |
| Nobody quits the Cheerios: you either die or I kick you off | |
| I don't trust a man with curly hair! I just can't help picturing birds laying sulfurous eggs in there and i find it disgusting! | |
| God, it feels goog to finally pop that zit known as Will Schuester | |
| Get ready for the ride of your life Will Schuester, you're about to board the Sue Sylvester Express. Destination: HORROR! | |
| I can't stand the site of kids getting emotional unless it's from physical exhaustion | |
| I'm going to ask you to smell your armpits: that's the smell of failure and it's stinking up my office | |
| I realize my cultural ascendance only serves to illuminate your own banality, but face it. I'm legend. It's happened. | |
| (This ones hard) One girl ate a pigeon, that's how badly they wanna be Cheerios | |
| Sue Sylvester has hourly flare-ups of burning, itching, highly contagious talent | |
| Your vocal chords have more fantastic runs than a Kenyan track team | |
| It's as barren as me in here | |
| I want my full budget restored; I want a fog machine | |
| Somewhere on the English countryside in a stately manor home, (subject of episode) is weeping! | |
|
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