If Tom Cruise...  he'd be.... 
If he worked in a soup kitchen, he'd be  
If he were a reporter, he'd be  
If he were a lawyer, he'd be  
If he were a detective, he'd be  
If he were Mr. T impersonator, he'd be  
If he was a cobbler, he'd be  
If he managed a church, he'd be  
If he was a boxer, he'd be  
If he was a heavy drinker, he'd be  
If he inspired an artist, he'd be  
If he were infected, he'd be  
If he played pool, he'd be  
 If Tom Cruise...  he'd be.... 
If he worked with animals, he'd be  
If he sang sad songs, he'd be  
If he were into arts and crafts, he'd be  
If he liked flashy clothing, he'd be  
If he were an overeater, he'd be  
If he were unlucky, he'd be  
If he were a trickster, he'd be  
If he was from Israel, he'd be  
If he slept a lot, he'd be  
If he had diarrhea, he'd be  
If he was always asking for money, he'd be  

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