Religion Quiz / Who Would Have Tweeted It? - Bible Style

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Can you name the Biblical character who would have tweeted these sayings?

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SayingcharacterBible reference
Burning bush up on the hill side. Must. Go. See.
Holy crap I'm tired. I'd sell my birthright for some red lentil stew.
New blog post in the 'I am' series. Part 6: I am the Way, the Truth and the Life. http://tinyurl.com/3f3nbne
I just stabbed a dude so fat, my sword disappeared inside his belly, including the hilt!
@Eve What? @God must be crazy! You won't die!
What in the world? I come in from the country and the Jews force a cross on my back to be carried for some dude.
Rumor has it @Jesus is coming to town today. Let's hope I can see him without climbing a tree.
What in the world? Israel has really lost it. They've sent a kid to fight me. A kid! Without a sword! This won't take long.
Stupid, cheap chief priests. 30 lousy pieces of silver for what I can give them. They don't know who they're dealing with.
Out with @Jesus and thousands of others. Just told Him about a boy who has five loaves of bread and two fish. Now what?
SayingcharacterBible reference
It's a boy! After 187 years, I finally have a son! We'll see how many others I can have in the next few centuries.
Resting after a long week of extensive creativity, but it's all good.
Ugh, @Mary refuses to help me in the kitchen because she's listening to @Jesus again. He'll help me out.
Followed my dad all the way up a mountain for a sacrifice and the idiot forgets the sheep. Now what are we going to do?
Let's see, go to Nineveh filled with crazed sinners or Tarshish. No contest! Tarshish here I come!
Wow, @Jesus must be crazy. He's talking about being born again and the wind and spirits. How can these things be?
Really @caesaraugustus? A census? Do you have any idea how long it takes to get from Nazareth to Bethlehem, with a pregnant...wife/fiancee?
Running...to...the...tomb. @John is really fast.
Wow I'm tired. If @Paul talks any longer, I might fall asleep and out the window.
@God Well I didn't have any clothes! What did you expect me to do? It was @Eve's fault anyway.

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