The Hater's Guide To The Best Picture Competition!

Can you name the movies nominated for Best Picture by very objective commentary from Deadspin?

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Guys, I think Spike Jonze has a problem with women, because if you ever make a movie where one of the female characters happens to be a (*), it TOTALLY means you have issues.
Because I think we can all get behind a movie that teaches us that the doctors who know the MOST are the ones selling unapproved meds down in Mexico.
Is there some sort of law that any new landmark moviemaking technological achievement must be done in service of a script written by a (freaking) 14-year-old?
People are so used to Alexander Payne making good movies that they just lied to themselves after walking out of this pile of (poop) and convinced themselves it was awesome.
How does the astro-debris not hit Sandra Bullock on the second pass? That debris had worse aim than the bad guys in Commando.
I much prefer movies about race to congratulate me and my fellow white theatergoers on our broad-mindedness.
Hey guys, a few years ago, our entire naval fleet took on a band of four dirt-poor pirates floating around with a hostage in a piece-of-(crap) lifeboat. We won!
By the way, I do not want to live in a future where people can earn a living wage writing dead-tree letters for other people.
Holy (crap), are we fascinated by seeing white people killed. But ask people to watch a movie about servitude?
All I know is that it's a good thing ________ was a white dude with a terrible Boston accent.
I liked this movie much more back when it was called Boiler Room, mostly because it was shorter.
Every few years, the hottest actors in the world get together and pay themselves to throw a '70s theme party, and ________ is one such party.
Hollywood has to whip up a fake movie like this one, or The Reader, or Love Field, so that they have enough roles to fill out the Best Actress category.
I guarantee you that there were pretentious **** in New York and L.A. who watched this movie and were like, 'Oh wow, these people are so REAL. They're REAL Americans, you know?
Aww, it's the sweet story of a guy who rips people off but you should feel bad for him because his wife is a (*) and he only keeps going back to her because she has an insane body!
Also, (bad) con artists do not need to be painted in shades of gray.

Oh, Harvey Weinstein made this movie? OK, now I get it.

I bet Jenny McCarthy gave this movie a 50-minute standing ovation. Regular doctors treat you like scum. But your herbalist?
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  • I mean, this is from an incredible site who... um... might specialize in sports and parody and satire and... anything but movies?
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Last Updated: Feb 16, 2017

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