Just For Fun Quiz / Terrible Jokes IX

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I sold my vacuum cleaner on eBay.

I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible …

I woke up this morning and was astonished to find that I weighed absolutely nothing.

Doctor, doctor, I've got a strawberry on my head.

I made a graph showing my past relationships.

Knock, knock. Who's there? Sam and Janet. Sam and Janet who?

I had Laser Eye Surgery, and quite frankly, I'm disappointed.

Man: 'Doctor, I keep breaking wind. It's silent and odour-free, which is a great relief, but it's embarrassing, can you do anything?' Doctor: …

I've arranged to meet Sean Connery about tennish.

Why does the devil only eat the centre of his pizzas?

What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?

The rules of superglue club are very strict.

I'd tell you the one about the shark infested custard but …

Blacksmith: 'Are you any good at shoeing horses?' Interviewee: 'No, but …'

I know I speak for everyone here when I say …

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

Knock knock? Who's there? Boo! Boo who?

My dad collapsed and we couldn’t remember his blood type. It's so hard without him but we keep remembering his final words, which he said over and over again …

What's E.T short for?

A man takes his duck to the vet. Vet: I'm sorry, your duck has passed away. Man: NO! I want a second opinion! Vet opens a door, a kitten walks in,
sniffs the duck, shakes his head. Man: Rubbish! My duck isn't dead! Vet opens the door again, a labrador walks in, sniffs the duck, shakes his head. Man: That's it then. Vet: That'll be £2,500. Man: Just for telling me my duck's dead? Vet: ...