'Rejoice in the Christmas spirit as they gang up on this eight-year old boy, then stick him in the attic and leave the country.'
'Journey along as they travel to a magical boarding school, where kids learn potions, spells, and divination -- but not English, math, and science.'
'A film that conditioned a generation of girls to think that love is keeping tabs on each other every waking moment.'
'Immerse yourself in the dreams of Christopher Nolan, which apparently don't include sex, flying, or any other things normal people dream of.'
'They'll face off against Agent Smith, a villain so cool, they just copied him a bunch of times instead of coming up with another cool bad guy.'
'...Created by John Hammond, a terrible grandfather who will leave his grandchildren alone with complete strangers...and a T-Rex.'
'...Comes three and a half hours of establishing shots, rich people eating, waving...more waving...and even more waving.'
'Follow along with a team of scientists who blend in with the natives by wearing the Gap khaki collection.'
'A movie for an audience so gullible, they think that a moving sheet is scary.'
'Get ready for ninety minutes of bumping into stuff and fighting against impossible odds to grab on to stuff.'
'Experience the re-retold story of an uncle who tries to find another way of saying 'With great power comes great responsibility.''
'When Bond is abruptly killed, it will only take the length of one Adele song before he anti-climatically pops up in the most secluded corner of the globe.'
'In a dystopian future, the rich dress like second rate Lady GaGas...while the poor struggle for survival in unnecessary shake cam[era].'
'[Featuring] characters often singing about things that could be very easily done by just talking normally.'
'A movie so generic, yet inexplicably popular, it's basically the Olive Garden of love stories.'
'From lazy Adam Sandler, comes yet another lazy plotless comedy America will inexplicably pay to see.'
'Experience a movie without a single white guy in the cast...it's kind of like a reverse Lord of the Rings.'
'Watch Brad Pitt survive an unsurvivable apocalypse, thanks to a constant string of life-saving coincidences.'
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