| Description | Name |
|---|
| Black beret and trenchcoat clad bufoon | |
| Evil nazi dictator who wears and wields a spike helmet | |
| The love of the main character's obsessive, creepy life | |
| Mild-mannered-but-heroic US Marshal in a marriage of convenience for surveillance purposes | |
| Aging Cuban president, voice of reason | |
| Former dictator of Iraq, enjoys hip hop and smoking up | |
| Fallen hero of the Confederazi, truly evil but truly great | |
| Gay German man who is this generation's destined 'slapper', son of the above fallen hero | |
| Previous generation's 'slapper', bears a grudge against his protege | |
| Half-German, half-Norse-demigod, ex-professional introducer, current guardian of the Earth, and great giver of advice, half-brother of the current 'slapper' | |
| Half-sister to the current 'slapper' and the current guardian of the Earth, the greatest womens' rugby player alive | |
| German hausfrau who both demands and commands respect | |
| Unwed, enormous daughter of the above hausfrau | |
| American expat from the UK, brilliant in all scientific fields | |
| Xavierian brother, obese, greedy, and lustful headmaster of main character's high school | |
| The pet demon of the above headmaster | |
| | Description | Name |
|---|
| A demon mistakenly summoned into a toy smiley face, a total two-faced, blackmailing bastard | |
| Genetically engineered 'perfected' version of the main character | |
| Genetically engineered genius monster dog, with DNA from every vicious animal ever, real or imagined | |
| Puppy of above monster dog | |
| Racist dolphin, mistakenly biased against the actual color black | |
| Main character's pet turkey, normal in every way | |
| Pet octopus who enjoys hiding and ambushing people, wrapping himself entirely around their heads | |
| Main character's only friend in the US Senate, they share a block of cheese | |
| African-American legal counsel to the Confederazi, greatest lawyer alive, enjoys the company of large women | |
| Hero of Luxembourg and golf whiz, has three distinct quirks | |
| One of the main character's most hated enemies, a little bitch | |
| The diabolical mother of the above little bitch, sports a Frans Joseph moustache | |
| Gay ex-neighbor of the above little bitch and mother, main character's first friend at SUNY Albany | |
| One of the main character's college roommates, gay, black, jewish friend of main character's first friend at college | |
| Another of the main character's college roommates, a brilliant jock duck with a bully streak | |
| The main character's final roommate, a former US consumer advocate and Green Party presidential candidate | |
|
