Alan: My ex-wife is sleeping with our pediatrician.
Alan: I wish there were a better way to deal with Mom.
Daisy: Anyway, I'm sleeping at a motel tonight. Berta: Good idea.
Evelyn: I want an unadorned headstone that reads simply, 'Evelyn Harper: Loving wife, devoted mother.' Charlie: That's good.
Evelyn: Excuse me, I didn't hear any complaints when I was raising you two. Charlie: Really, the teenage drinking and constant running away wasn't a slight tipoff? Evelyn: Oh, you were just a little drama queen, Charlie. And let's not forget, you always came back.
Alan: Where are you going? Evelyn: Neiman's. I'm going to need something black.
Charlie: I need someone who can give me drugs! Berta: I'm not holding, but I can make a couple of calls. Alan: Drugs just mask the problem. Charlie: Fine!
Charlie: Jake, it takes more than sex to make a man happy...
Charlie: Wow, Texas used to be a separate country.
Judith: I'm surprised to see you home on a Saturday night, what with your fun, bachelor lifestyle.
Alan: Hey, what's that, uh, splattered all over your shirt? Charlie: Coffee and breast milk.
Berta: Well, gadzooks. Zippy's getting his freak on. Charlie: Yeah, it seems we're living in an age of miracles.
Charlie: Are? You? Happy? Now we have to throw a party for your crazy-ass mother! Alan: Well, she's your mother, too! Charlie: How do you know?
Charlie: A woman's much more relaxed and comfortable in her own surroundings. Plus, the minute she falls asleep, I can hit the bricks. Alan: That's lovely. It's a shame you don't work for Hallmark.
Charlie: Hmmm, tequila? Checkbook? Sourpuss? Must be alimony time. Alan: Go away, Charlie.
Charlie: She doesn't call when she says she will, she won't let me sleep over, she's obviously seeing other guys, so why can't I get her out of my head? Rose: She's gorgeous, but she's also self-centered, she's promiscuous, she's commitment-phobic... Charlie: Oh, my God! Rose: What?
Jake: Hey, Dad, when you got arrested for shoplifting, did they take you to jail? Alan: I did not get arrested, and there was no jail. Jake: So I guess you never had to shank a guy to get your props in the yard.
Evelyn: Listen, if I had gotten married after every weekend of hot, sweaty debauchery with a virtual stranger, you'd have, well, many more stepfathers than you already have. Charlie: She knows what she's talking about, Alan.
Alan: You need to get Jake dressed, make him his lunch, and get him to school by eight, OK? Charlie: OK. Alan: You're not moving. Charlie: Yes, I am.
Alan: It is not a chick car! The-- the salesman showed me brochures with pictures of men driving it. Charlie: Alan, if a monkey walked into the dealership, he'd have been shown pictures of monkeys driving it.
Berta: Alan? I got a riddle for you: What's short, sticky, picky, and only supposed to be here on weekends? I'll give you a hint: