Darren: (asking Maggie on a date) I just wanted to let you know that I've been watching you secretly, without you knowing, and I'd be very keen to spend the night with you and see if you enjoy it as much as I know I will.
Darren: It's not bad, is it?
Andy: It is.
Darren: No, no. Bad suggests that its evil or something. It's not.
Andy: Her boyfriend likes to talk dirty on the phone and she doesn't know what to say to him.
Kate Winslet: Oh, yeah, that can be a bit awkward. Well, why don't you just start off with something light, you know.
Ian McKellen: How will you know what to say? Well the words will be in the script... and you will learn the words! You would not have the script on the night and that goes for everybody.
Andy: Right, question two. This is about racial awareness, cause often you catch out a real racist because they don't know or care about any black issues. Who is the prime minister of Great Britain?
Maggie: Tony Blair.
Andy: Correct. Who is the Prime Minister of Namibia?
Maggie: I don't know...
Ian MKellan: If we were to draw a graph of my process, of my method, it would be something like this: Sir Ian, Sir Ian, Sir Ian. Action. WIZARD! 'YOU SHALL NOT PASS!'
[Reading a review for what he thinks is Andy's sitcom]
Darren: 'This charming story of lovable larger-than-life characters will please all the family. This is a delightful woodland romp with many of the best scenes featuring a roly-poly toad.'
Andy: Give me that... this is a review of 'Wind in the Willows'.
Darren: What's yours called then? Oh, 'When the Wind Blows'!
Andy: I don't want to do camp, frothy nonsense. I want to do something classy!
Andy: He doesn't think you're a racist.
Maggie: He does! He's just seen me say to a black woman, 'You're not allowed to sit on this bus.' It's like that whole racism-on-a-bus incident all over again.
Andy: What, the Rosa Parks incident??
Darren: I just typed 58,008 into a calculator.
Maggie: I like lots of things, white or black. I like you, for example. I think you're great.
Samuel L. Jackson: Thank you.
Maggie: I don't normally watch films more than once, but I thought The Matrix... I loved it. Amazing.
Samuel L. Jackson: Good film.
David Bowie: (composing a song about Andy) He sold his soul for a shot at fame.
Daniel Radcliffe: (trying to flirt with Maggie) I've done it with a girl.
Maggie: What?
Daniel Radcliffe: I've done it. With a girl.
Andy: I want to know what your plan of action is. What's your strategy, what is your business plan?
Darren: Well, my plan is, when you get some work, then I can start making some money. 'Cause what I'm no good at is, you know, breaking an act.
Andy: Oh! So, when I'm successful, you can deduct 12.5%, no problem.
Darren: I have just bought myself a brand new, 52-inch plasma TV set.
Andy: 52 - that's way too big for your flat.
Darren: It is too big. I don't know what I was thinking. It's too bright.
Ben Stiller: I'm a nerd?!? I've kissed Cameron Diaz, Drew Barrymore! I, uh, slapped Jennifer Aniston's butt!
Maggie: In films.
[after being caught taking drugs in the toilets]
Ronnie Corbett: It's your fault.
Darren: Why's it my fault?
Ronnie Corbett: They saw your head over the cubicle door.
Andy: Moron
Darren: You talking to me?
Andy: Yes, I'm talking to you! Didn't you read the play?
Darren: What play?
Andy: The play I'm in, the play that you got me a part in. It's a gay play. I've got to play a gay, with another gay.
Andy: Call them back and say you've got the perfect person for the part.
Darren: Who?
Andy: Me!
Darren: No, it's really -- I don't want to waste their time.
Andy: Why am I trying to persuade my agent to get me an audition? It should be the other way round!
Andy: I'm an entertainer too.
David Bowie: What do you do?
Andy: I'm in a sitcom.
Maggie: It's called 'When The Whistle Blows'. Have you seen it?
David Bowie: I haven't, no, is it any good?
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