Biblical FMLs

Can you name the people from the Bible who would've made these FML posts?

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PostBiblical Character
All I wanted was to go on a camping trip with my dad. And now he wants to sacrifice me to God? FML
No way, no thanks on becoming a prophet. I'm gonna go out to sea and get out of here. Wait, what's with that whale? FML
God took away my wealth, my family, and my health, all because Satan thought He was protecting me. God, I don't hate you, but FML.
I'm the biggest Philistine there is, and no Israelite can beat me! Who's next? A kid with a slingshot? This'll be ea- never mind. FML
I just casually told her that my luxurious hair gives me my strength, and here I am weak, chained, and short-haired. FML
God's my savior, not Nebuchadnezzar. So did you have to throw me down into this den of lions? FML
Selling out Jesus Christ himself was a bad, bad move. No amount of silver is going to help me forget what I did there. FML
My wife just took a little peek at what was a happening to Sodom, and now I'm married to a pillar of salt. FML
Wait, God is real? Guess I shouldn't have built those temples to Baal, and maybe have listened to Elijah. FML
What did I do against Cain? What did I do to deserve this? FML
PostBiblical Character
As the Red Sea fills my lungs, the thought occurred to me that I should've let Moses' people go. FML
So I killed my brothers and ignored the word of God, but did He have to infect my bowels and make them fall out of me? FML
Mmm, this apple is so delicious! What's that? God wants us to move out? Fantastic. FML (either one)
So God won't let me get married or have children? No wonder why they call me 'the weeping prophet.' FML
I just came down from the mountain where I talked to God, and you're worshipping a golden calf? Time to break these Commandments and make you drink the calf! FML
For the last time, my head does not look good laying on a silver plate! Whose idea was that? FML
I was thrown down a well, sold into slavery, got accused of rape, and left to rot in jail. And that was just my childhood! FML
I denied Jesus Christ at his trial not once, not twice, but three times. There's no way anyone's forgiving me for this. FML
Seriously, I really want to stop running and hiding. Saul needs to understand that God chose me to be King of Israel. FML
Good news: God views me favorably. Bad news: I have to round up some animals because it's gonna rain soon. FML
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More Info:
  • - FML = F*** My Life in case you didn't know.
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Last Updated: Aug 22, 2020
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