Our Little Lioness Aug 20th, 1995 (Leo) - With pride, parents Simba and Nala welcome the arrival of their baby girl, Kiara. First-time grand-parents Sarabi, Shisazen and Sarafina couldn't be happier. Grand-father Mufasa is watching from the heavens. We miss you Papa!
It's A Girl! 12/6/2027 - It is with great pleasure (and relief) that, after 18 years of this column being empty, baby Dylan is welcomed into the world. Proud mother Kee, and indeed all of humanity, would like to specially give thanks to Theo Faron, who gave his life protecting her.
Hesse-Reddin Nov 23rd, 1994 - Drs Alex and Diana are thrilled to announce the safe arrival of their daughter through caesarean section. Many thanks to Dr. Larry Arbogast and the fertility team at Expectane for this, um, unique birth! Maybe you should let Diana have the next one, Alex?
NEVILLE, Dr. Robert Sept 9th, 2012 - Passed away unexpectedly in his basement. Thought to have been the last remaining human in NYC, Dr. Neville valiantly gave his life to save humankind from the Krippin Virus. Predeceased by his dog, Sam. Will be fondly remembered by Anna and Ethan.
MILLS, Tracy July 7, 1995 - 'The world is a fine place and worth fighting for.' Sadly, the family of Tracy Mills announce her and her unborn baby's sudden, and rather violent, passing. Sadly missed by her husband, Detective David Mills. We have her head, and funeral arrangements will be announced once we find the body.
TORRANCE, Jack 23/7/1980 - Suddenly, after a brief bout of hypothermia. Writer and caretaker of the Overlook Hotel, Colorado. Jack is survived by his wife, Wendy and son Danny. In lieu of flowers, please donate to the STKFoundation (www.stkfoundation.org)
Live-In Nanny Established, European Nanny available immediately to care for your children in your home, preferably in the London area. Will provide own bottomless bag and umbrella. supercalifragilistic- email@example.com NO AGENCIES PLEASE.
Help Wanted! The Colonial Marines have an immediate contract opening for an invasive species consultant. Contract is for a short, interplanetary survey trip to terraforming colony LV-426. Valid exosuit cargo-loader license an asset. Compensation is commensurate with experience.
$$ Work From Home $$ Bored? College Student? Join a growing upstart web company writing code for social media. Connect with old friends while making huge $$$ Call Mark 555-3223 TODAY!!!
Seeking Robotic Adventure? Are you the droid I am looking for? Chiseled white male seeking golden and/or short mechanized units. Text 555-7232 for a discreet encounter.
DESPERATE Bored female housewife hopelessly searching for like minded BFF for companionship. Likes to discuss 80's hair, jackets and jewelry. Must be, like, totally into Madonna. Mailbox #78726
Are You My Rose? Do you prefer substance over looks? Sensitive, cursed Prince from Central Europe looking for attractive, young and open-minded female for love and long-term relationship. Hairy back fetish a plus. Please meet in person at castle on the hill.
Lost and Found
REWARD! One ring. Call Sauron 555-5687
Found Clownfish, slightly damaged. Orange and white stripes. Found near the harbour. See posting @ http://sydney.kijiji.com.au/ for a picture and contact info.
Lost Christmas spirit. Needed to power sleigh. Meet in Central Park Christmas Eve if found. Ask for Buddy.
Articles For Sale
Free To Good Home! Male Bordeaux Mastiff. Drools. A lot. May have witnessed a murder. Call Det. Scott Turner ASAP.
Wood Chipper For sale in the Brainerd, Minnesota area. Slightly used. Stains should come out. Call Carl 553-2746 and leave a message.
MOVING SALE! Everything must go. HUGE clear out! Collectible Disney dolls, RC car, Mr. Potato Head, Slinky, Army figurines. Serious offers only. E-mail firstname.lastname@example.org
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