Dwight: Reject a woman, and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind.
Dwight: And I did not become a Lackawanna County volunteer sheriff’s deputy to make friends.
Roy: I hate it when girls insist on taking them out to good restaurants every weekend night and then they're like, 'when are we gonna go on a date-date?'
Pam: If I have to do this, based on stereotypes that are totally not true and I do not agree with, you would maybe not be a very good driver.
Dwight: You know, I really would've appreciated a heads up that you were into dating mothers.
Dwight: There was a terrible war, ugh, so many died. Far too many died.
Dwight: R is among one of the most menacing sounds.
Dwight: He used to fight dogs. Pam: Like he used to make dogs fight or he actually fought dogs?
Dwight: I'm a decent baiter.
Dwight: Have you ever tried to use a chain with three weak links?
Darryl: I figured I'd start slow.
Dwight: I will never be happier than I am right now. I will also never be less happy. I will be at my current maximum happiness for the rest of my life...
Dwight: But in a way the most valuable thing here wasn't a telescope at all.
Dwight: I never smile if I can help it. Showing one's teeth is a submission signal in primates.
Dwight: Security in this office park is a joke. Last year I came to work with my spud-gun in a duffle bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch...
Dwight: Oscar went to Mexico when he was five to attend his great-grandmother's funeral. What does that mean to an United States law enforcement officer?
Captain Jack: I need a volunteer to come up and hold my stick. Dwight: Me me me! Captain Jack: Ah. Usually it's a woman.
Michael: Look, Dwight here is a wuss. When we rented 'Armageddon', he cried at the end of it.
Dwight: Joe McCarthy, Richard Nixon, Studebaker, Television, North Korea, South Korea, Marilyn Monroe!
Dwight: Well, in a sense. Although, publicly I am going to retain the Assistant Regional Manager position. Pam: You will be your own assistant.
Dwight: Once I'm officially regional manager, my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So I will need a new number two. My ideal choice?
Dwight: I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable. Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doin' a goat, couple of pigs watching...
Dwight: I don't have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once.
Dwight: Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, 'Would an idiot do that?
Dwight: I saw 'Wedding Crashers' accidentally. I bought a ticket for 'Grizzly Man' and went into the wrong theater. After an hour, I figured I was in the wrong theater, but I kept waiting. Cause that's the thing about bear attacks...