Mitch Hedberg Jokes

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Can you name the rest of these Mitch Hedberg jokes?

Updated Feb 16, 2012

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JokeMissing Word(s)
...It takes forever to bake a ______ in a conventional oven. Sometimes I'll just throw one in there, even if I don't want one, because by the time it's done, who knows?
I say the word '_______' way too much. I need to change it and use a word that's different but means the same. 'Mitch, do you like submarine sandwiches?' 'All-encompassingly!'
...You would never see an 'Escalator temporarily out-of-order' sign. Just 'Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the ___________.'
This shirt is dry-clean only. Which means it's _____.
On a traffic light yellow means yield, and green means go. On a ______, it's just the opposite, yellow means go ahead, green means stop, and red means, where'd you get that ______?
I think a __________ is a really morbid ferris wheel for chickens.
A _______ ____ is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said, 'No, but I want a _______ ______ later, so...yeah.'
I think Pringles' original intention was to make ______ _____.
I'm against _________, but I don't know how to show it.
If carrots got you drunk, _______ would be ****ed up.
My apartment is infested with _____ _____. It's the cutest infestation ever. Much better than cockroaches...
I like _______ ________ 'cause snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes, I will drop it, so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.
I wish I could play ______ ______ now; I'd kick some ****in' ***.
My ____ ______ died because I did not pretend to water them.
A ______ is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
____ is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.
I had a stick of ________ gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
__________ _______ is macaroni and cheese for adults.
I order the ____ ________ all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.
If you have ________, don't use artificial sweetener, 'cause you'll get a fake cavity.
I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a ______.
JokeMissing Word(s)
A burrito is a ________ ___ for ground beef.
In Venice, if you're not book smart but you do know what's going on, you are '_____ _____.'
I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have _____.
I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. 'Say man, can I turn on the radio? [...] Boy, you really like ____.'
I got a ________ ____, 'cause I wanna win some lunches. That's what my ________ ____ says: 'Mitch Hedberg, Potential Lunch Winner.'
I saw this ____, he was eating grapes. It's like, 'Dude, you have to wait.'
The thing that's depressing about ______ is, no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once...they're ****ing relentless!
__________ is a disease, but it's the only disease that you can get yelled at for having...
...An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom, ____ on top.
...I can still see my dad with the apron on. 'You better flip that _____, Dad--you know how I like it!'
This one guy said, 'Look at that girl's butt! She has a nice butt.' I said, 'Yeah, I bet she can ___ ____ excellently.'
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a ____.
13 is an unlucky number. If 13’s unlucky, then so should the letter B be, 'cause B looks like a scrunched-together 13. 'Hello, what is your name?' '___.' 'Get the **** away!'
At the end of my letters, I like to write '__: this is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.'
I got an ___ ____. Them fellas didn't grow ****!
...I didn't buy [Ritz crackers] because they're little edible ______! You've got no faith in the product itself!
...Bush, search party of three! You can eat once you find the ________.
...I'll just give you the money, and you give me the _____...end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this.
I wish they made ______ cologne, because that stuff smells good. 'What's that you're wearing? That's sizzlin'!'
Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they're really doing is saying, 'I can't ____, get this away from me!'
I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It started with ___.
I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a __________.

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