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We'll just tell your mother that... we ate it all.
I'm no hero. I was just trying to get that babbling gook off my lawn!
I fart in your general direction.
I couldn't help it, boss. I tried to take it back, but it was too late.
I believe you are blushing, Mr. Big Artiste
What we've got here is... failure to communicate.
You remind me of my father..... I HATED my father!
Winner, winner, chicken dinner!
You think I'm fu*king around here? Mark it zero!
Time to nut up or shut up!
They're filming midgets!
You're only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!
I need your clothes, your boots and your motorcycle
It's been emotional
I do wish we could chat longer, but I’m having an old friend for dinner
People who talk in metaphors oughta shampoo my crotch
I’m gonna punch you in the ovary, that’s what I’m gonna do. A straight shot, right to the babymaker.”
I'm going to count to three... there will not be a four
I just sharted....I tried to fart and a little sh*t came out
I amuse you? I make you laugh, I'm here to fu*kin' amuse you? What do you mean funny, funny how? How am I funny?
Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.
I gotta catch a glimpse of these warlocks. Let's move.
Say 'what' again. Say 'what' again, I dare you, I double dare you motherfu*ker, say what one more Goddamn time!
You know the difference between you and me? I make this look GOOD.
An old man dies. A young woman lives....fair trade.
Don't let yourself get attached to anything you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you feel the heat around the corner.
If I'm not back in five minutes... just wait longer
I have nipples, Greg. Could you milk me?
Are you not entertained?
You best start believing in ghost stories..You're in one
If you can't spot the sucker in the first half hour at the table, then you are the sucker.
Get away from her, you bitch!
Good morning, and in case I don't see ya, good afternoon, good evening, and good night!
If He Dies.. He Dies
You guys give up yet? Or are you thirsty for more?
Let off some steam, Bennett.
Who was that pointy-eared bastard?
Ten oughta do it, don't you think? ...You think we need one more?..You think we need one more..All right, we'll get one more..
It's OK, I wouldn't remember me either
She's my daughter!...She's my sister! She's my daughter! My sister, my daughter...She's my sister and my daughter.'
I'll tell you this, in any fight it's the guy whose willing to die whose gonna win that inch.
'Mein Führer! I can walk!
You probably heard we ain't in the prisoner-takin' business; we in the killin' Nazi business. And cousin, business is a-boomin'.
Would you please put some pants on? I feel kinda weird having to ask you twice
A boy's best friend is his mother.
The Almighty tells me he can get me out of this mess, but he's pretty sure you're fu*ked.
I said he'll flip you...Flip you. Flip ya for real
I want you to hit me.. as hard as you can.
I'm gonna treat you so nice, you're never gonna wanna let me go
I drink your milkshake!
Oh, he was a little guy... Kinda funny lookin'
Well, in the words of Porky Pig, 'Pi pi pi pi pi piss off, Lou.
Back off, man. I’m a scientist
I see dead people
Hey, don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love.'
I was 27 years old the first time I died.
Well, this piece is called ‘Lick My Love Pump.
I got her number. How do you like them apples?
Most people are so ungrateful to be alive, but not you, not any more.......GAME OVER!
Well, that's because you've got big jugs. I mean your boobs are huge. I mean, I wanna squeeze 'em..... Mama!
Hey faggot, they're not gay! They're hobbits!
The man likes to play chess; let's get him some rocks.
He's not the Messiah. He's a very naughty boy!
Ernest Hemingway once wrote, 'The world is a fine place and worth fighting for.' I agree with the second part
I'm like my mother, I stereotype. It's faster.
You are not in Kansas anymore. You're on Pandora
You are a sad, strange little man, and you have my pity.
I love the smell of napalm in the morning.
Show Me the Money!
When I'm good and ready, I'm gonna walk right through the front door.
Damnit! Why didn't I concur?!
I have been touched by your kids... and I'm pretty sure that I've touched them aswel
If you was to put me and this here sniper rifle anywhere up to and including one mile from Adolf Hitler... with a clean line of sight... Pack your bags, fellas. War's over
Sanka... you dead?
Ready your breakfast and eat hearty... For tonight, we dine in hell!
King Kong ain't got sh*t on me
Carpe diem, seize the day boys
Slapping the bass! Slappa da bass! Slappa da bass mon!
This is a real badge, I’m a real cop, and this is a real fu*king gun
Smurfs are asexual. They don't even have reproductive organs under those little white pants
Of Course I'm Home. I'm Always Home. I'm Uncool.
I don't care if he's Muhammad 'I'm hard' Bruce Lee. You can't change fighters.
That's A Spicy Meatball!
I may be a bastard, but I'm not a fu*king bastard
Dodge this.
Movies don't create psychos. Movies make psychos more creative!
Vanity... definitely my favorite sin.
I bet if I suggested a game of Quidditch he'd cum in his pants
If you let my daughter go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you
I'm just a bloody normal bloke. A normal bloke who likes a bit of torture.
That woman deserves her revenge and we deserve to die.
Yeah one more thing, um...none of them wanna pay taxes again..... Ever.
Put... the bunny... back... in the box
Choose Life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family
I'm a stallion, baby!
You can trouble me for a warm glass of shut-the-hell-up!
It's like looking in a mirror...only....not.
You don't get it, do you? This isn't 'good cop, bad cop.' This is fag and New Yorker. You're in a lot of trouble.
What's the most you've ever lost on a coin toss?
Whatever I feel like I wanna do. Gosh!
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy
We can become cops, or criminals. Today, what I'm saying to you is this: when you're facing a loaded gun, what's the difference?
How 'bout no... you crazy Dutch bastard?
I like these calm little moments before the storm. It reminds me of Beethoven. Can you hear it?
When life gives you lemons, just say 'Fu*k the lemons,' and bail.
I'm Dirk Diggler. I'm the star. It's my big di*k and I say when we roll.
Attica! Attica!
Ma! The meatloaf! Fu*k!
Nobody makes me bleed my own blood....nobody!
You see, before he came down here, it never snowed. And afterwards, it did. If he weren't up there now... I don't think it would be snowing.
I tea-bagged your drum set!
Now the whole world's gonna know that you died scratching my balls!
You stand your ground and fight!
In one week, I can put a bug so far up her ass, she won't know whether to sh*t or wind her wristwatch
Ask any racer. Any real racer. It don't matter if you win by an inch or a mile. Winning's winning.
I'm also just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.
You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? Then who the hell else are you talking... you talking to me?
Are you gonna bark all day, little doggy, or are you gonna bite?
Mediocrities everywhere... I absolve you
You two are just dumber than a bag of hammers!
I wish I knew how to quit you.
What is your major malfunction, numbnuts?
Give these people air!
Sabrina, don’t just stare at it, eat it.
Now you're looking for the secret. But you won't find it because of course, you're not really looking. You don't really want to work it out. You want to be fooled.
I have got to get me one of these!
I'm going to give you the choice... I never had
You mustn't be afraid to dream a little bigger, darling.
I was in the Virgin Islands once. I met a girl. We ate lobster, drank piña coladas. At sunset, we made love like sea otters...That was a pretty good day
Look, there is a woman in a car! Can we follow her and maybe make a sexy time with her?
A man tells his stories so many times that he becomes the stories. They live on after him, and in that way he becomes immortal.
There never was much hope...just a fool's hope
I know who I am. I'm the dude playin' the dude, disguised as another dude!
You know, I've had more rewarding friendships than this one. Although I do get to keep telling the same jokes.

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