Homer Simpson or Peter Griffin

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Can you name the source of these words of wisdom: Homer Simpson ('H') or Peter Griffin ('P')?

Updated Apr 30, 2016

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QuoteHomer or Peter
Step aside, its time for me to do my fatherly duty. Haha I said duty, but no time to laugh about it now.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
I got an idea, an idea so smart my head would explode if I even began to know what I was talking about.
The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!
(Son), everything I say is a lie. Except that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that.
All my life I've had one dream, to achieve my many goals.
Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is another nail.
Any problem caused by a tank can be solved by a tank.
I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman.
Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir' without adding, 'You're making a scene.'
I had such a crush on her. Until I met you, (wife). You're my silver medal.
(Daughter), vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.
(Son), with $10,000 we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
Now kids, Daddy only drank so that the Statue of Liberty would take her clothes off.
Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you - very homosexually.
I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.
Oh yeah? Well, according to paragraph 7, sentence 3, word 8 of the Geneva Convention... 'the'.
Son, this is a big day for you. Today, you become the man of the house, because, when we get home, your mother is going to kill me.
If I'm a child that means you're a pedophile, and I'll be damned if I'm going stand here and take this from a pervert.
I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!
(Boss), I can't come to work today because I was in a terrible plane crash. My family is dead and I am a vegetable. See you tomorrow.
To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.
'To Start Press Any Key.' Where's the 'ANY' key?
(Daughter), if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.
Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.
Operator! Give me the number for 911!
Now, I know you're a feminist, and I think that's adorable, but this is grown-up time and I'm the man.
Math. Math my dear boy is nothing more than the lesbian sister of biology.
They look at me and see a loser. Except that guy with the lazy eye... He sees a loser and a snack machine.
Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?
I am so not competitive. In fact, I am the least non-competitive. So I win.
That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!
To you she may be worth a million dollars. But to me she's worthless!
If by 'read', you mean 'imagine the naked lady', then yes.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Aw, c'mon (wife), isn't 'bribe' just another word for 'love'?
Now I may be an idiot, but there is one thing I am not, sir, and that, sir, is an idiot.
People make up lies all the time. You know Vietnam? Never happened.
Oh my god, (friend), there's a message in my Alphabits. It says, 'Oooooo.'
I saw you in that coffee shop, breaking the fifth commandment. Congress passes these things for a reason, (wife).
When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces, I just know they're about to jab me with something.
I think (boss) picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I'm around.
I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?
Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.
See, (daughter), things always work out if you just do whatever you want without thinking about the consequences.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
Aw crap, since when did they change the meaning of 'for' to 'from'?
If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing.
We're officially on welfare. Come on, kids. Help me scatter car parts on the front lawn.

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