Homer Simpson or Peter Griffin

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Can you name the source of these words of wisdom: Homer Simpson ('H') or Peter Griffin ('P')?

Updated Feb 14, 2014

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QuoteHomer or Peter
If by 'read', you mean 'imagine the naked lady', then yes.
(Boss), I can't come to work today because I was in a terrible plane crash. My family is dead and I am a vegetable. See you tomorrow.
We're officially on welfare. Come on, kids. Help me scatter car parts on the front lawn.
When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces, I just know they're about to jab me with something.
If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing.
I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!
(Son), with $10,000 we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir' without adding, 'You're making a scene.'
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
They look at me and see a loser. Except that guy with the lazy eye... He sees a loser and a snack machine.
Any problem caused by a tank can be solved by a tank.
Math. Math my dear boy is nothing more than the lesbian sister of biology.
I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.
'To Start Press Any Key.' Where's the 'ANY' key?
To you she may be worth a million dollars. But to me she's worthless!
If I'm a child that means you're a pedophile, and I'll be damned if I'm going stand here and take this from a pervert.
Oh my god, (friend), there's a message in my Alphabits. It says, 'Oooooo.'
I got an idea, an idea so smart my head would explode if I even began to know what I was talking about.
I had such a crush on her. Until I met you, (wife). You're my silver medal.
That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!
The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!
Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.
Now, I know you're a feminist, and I think that's adorable, but this is grown-up time and I'm the man.
I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?
To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.
Now kids, Daddy only drank so that the Statue of Liberty would take her clothes off.
(Son), everything I say is a lie. Except that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that.
See, (daughter), things always work out if you just do whatever you want without thinking about the consequences.
Now I may be an idiot, but there is one thing I am not, sir, and that, sir, is an idiot.
I think (boss) picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I'm around.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
All my life I've had one dream, to achieve my many goals.
Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?
I saw you in that coffee shop, breaking the fifth commandment. Congress passes these things for a reason, (wife).
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you - very homosexually.
Step aside, its time for me to do my fatherly duty. Haha I said duty, but no time to laugh about it now.
People make up lies all the time. You know Vietnam? Never happened.
Son, this is a big day for you. Today, you become the man of the house, because, when we get home, your mother is going to kill me.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is another nail.
I am so not competitive. In fact, I am the least non-competitive. So I win.
Aw crap, since when did they change the meaning of 'for' to 'from'?
(Daughter), vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.
Oh yeah? Well, according to paragraph 7, sentence 3, word 8 of the Geneva Convention... 'the'.
Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.
Aw, c'mon (wife), isn't 'bribe' just another word for 'love'?
Operator! Give me the number for 911!
I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman.
(Daughter), if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.

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