Homer Simpson or Peter Griffin

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Can you name the source of these words of wisdom: Homer Simpson ('H') or Peter Griffin ('P')?

Updated Feb 14, 2014

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QuoteHomer or Peter
Son, this is a big day for you. Today, you become the man of the house, because, when we get home, your mother is going to kill me.
Now kids, Daddy only drank so that the Statue of Liberty would take her clothes off.
Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you - very homosexually.
I saw you in that coffee shop, breaking the fifth commandment. Congress passes these things for a reason, (wife).
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
Math. Math my dear boy is nothing more than the lesbian sister of biology.
Now I may be an idiot, but there is one thing I am not, sir, and that, sir, is an idiot.
If by 'read', you mean 'imagine the naked lady', then yes.
(Daughter), if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.
I got an idea, an idea so smart my head would explode if I even began to know what I was talking about.
We're officially on welfare. Come on, kids. Help me scatter car parts on the front lawn.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Operator! Give me the number for 911!
The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!
People make up lies all the time. You know Vietnam? Never happened.
That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!
Now, I know you're a feminist, and I think that's adorable, but this is grown-up time and I'm the man.
All my life I've had one dream, to achieve my many goals.
I think (boss) picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I'm around.
Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is another nail.
(Boss), I can't come to work today because I was in a terrible plane crash. My family is dead and I am a vegetable. See you tomorrow.
They look at me and see a loser. Except that guy with the lazy eye... He sees a loser and a snack machine.
Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.
(Son), with $10,000 we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.
To you she may be worth a million dollars. But to me she's worthless!
Aw, c'mon (wife), isn't 'bribe' just another word for 'love'?
Any problem caused by a tank can be solved by a tank.
Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir' without adding, 'You're making a scene.'
Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?
Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.
If I'm a child that means you're a pedophile, and I'll be damned if I'm going stand here and take this from a pervert.
Step aside, its time for me to do my fatherly duty. Haha I said duty, but no time to laugh about it now.
Aw crap, since when did they change the meaning of 'for' to 'from'?
Oh yeah? Well, according to paragraph 7, sentence 3, word 8 of the Geneva Convention... 'the'.
I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman.
I am so not competitive. In fact, I am the least non-competitive. So I win.
See, (daughter), things always work out if you just do whatever you want without thinking about the consequences.
If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
(Son), everything I say is a lie. Except that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that.
(Daughter), vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.
To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.
'To Start Press Any Key.' Where's the 'ANY' key?
I had such a crush on her. Until I met you, (wife). You're my silver medal.
I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?
I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!
Oh my god, (friend), there's a message in my Alphabits. It says, 'Oooooo.'
When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces, I just know they're about to jab me with something.

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