Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.
I think an ordinary paper company like Dunder-Mifflin was a great subject for a documentary. There's a lot of beauty in ordinary things. Isn't that kind of the point?
Everything I have I owe to this job...this stupid, wonderful, boring, amazing job.
Would you rather be feared or loved? That's easy, both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.
I have flaws. What are they? I sing in the shower, sometimes I spend too much time volunteering, occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car.
Saddle Shoes With Denim? I Will Literally Call Protective Services.
Sometimes, I feel like everyone I work with is an idiot. And by sometimes, I mean all times. All the time. Every of the time.
I Wonder What People Like About Me? Probably My Jugs.
Make friends first, make sales second, make love third. In no particular order.
Be strong, trust yourself, love yourself. Just go after what you want and act fast, because life just isn't that long.
A lot of people told me I was crazy to wait this long for a date with a girl who I worked with, but I think even then I knew that... I was waiting for my wife.
I once reported Oscar to the INS. Turns out he’s clean, but I’m glad I did it.
Before I do anything I ask myself, ‘Would an idiot do that?’ and if the answer is yes, I do not do that thing.
I talk a lot, so I've learned to just tune myself out.
If I had to, I could clean out my desk in five seconds, and nobody would ever know that I'd ever been here. And I'd forget, too.
Don't fall in love with me, kid.
Every little boy fantasizes about his fairytale wedding.
Just Pretend like we're talking until the cops leave.
What if we all get together and help each other and hire a new guy and then we all kill him, but first we take out, like, a $100,000 life insurance policy?
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