Women in their thirties on the Internet, they’re like ninjas.
I thought one of the advantages of marrying an older guy was that I was going to be able to relax. But all of this swimming and running and rowing,
Manny thinks his dad is like Superman. The truth? He’s a total flake. In fact, the only way he’s like Superman…
I’m the cool dad. That’s my thing. I’m hip. I surf the Web. I text. LOL: laugh out loud. OMG: Oh, my God. WTF: Why the face?
I always felt bad for people with emotionally distant fathers- It turns out I’m one of them.
The minute they got rid of rotary phones,
Success is 1% inspiration, 98% perspiration,
If it were easy,
We all struggle with limitations. Some we’re willing to accept, and some we’re not.
Family is family. Whether it’s the one you start out with… the one you end up with…
Take a lesson from parakeets. If you ever feel lonely,
Cheerleading in my college was cool. The football players were so jealous they wouldn’t even let me and my buddies – Trevor, Scotty, and Ling –
When life gives you lemonade, make lemons.
The iPad comes out on my actual birthday.
If laughter is the best medicine,
Just because he’s behind a curtain
I don’t like another woman in my house.
I love filmmaking and I love love. I guess you could say I enjoy making love on film
With great hotness
Comfort is not everything.
Usually when everything’s normal,
Life is full of changes. Some big, some small. I learned a long time ago you can fight it or try to make the best of it.
They're really leaving. What do we do?
I can't go to jail. I'm a gay prosecutor,
Don't hate me for your son leaving.
I shouldn't be penalized for being too smart,
Don't be silly, Janet. If I were interested in more youthful things,
Manny! How many times have I told you not to call me mom when you're dressed like an old man!
No problem. Do you want to look in another neighborhood
Oh, I so want it to be on purpose.
Ya' know, my parent's never talked to me about anything sexual. They just sent me to the stables when the horses were breeding
I'm so stressed. I wish it was the '50s
Don't break Alex,
Do or do not, there is no try.
Thank you, Alexandra. It's not easy being the smart ones in this family.
I know it's crazy, but I've always had this dream that Dede would come back and haunt me after she died.
Well, well, well, if it isn't John, Paul, and George.
Can you scratch my nose?
Margaret is very vulnerable! I've had to rescue her a bunch of times
That's why we chose our secret warrior signal. My first suggestion was to blow a Viking horn.
No, you made me feel bad about myself,
It’s scary to let people see the real you, even when these people are your own family. But aren’t they the ones we should be least worried about?
It’s gonna be tough to say goodbye... it always is. Nobody loves change.
Making a child is the easy part.
We’re from different worlds, yet somehow we fit together.
We do strange things for the people we love. There may be bumps along the way, but we never stop wanting the best for them.
That’s how you know that your family loves you.
Spoiler alert,
If you love something, set it free.
In my country there’s a saying that means love is just around the corner.
In Legally Blonde, Elle won her case because she was true to herself and dressed cute.
What could be more natural
These are crafts for the supplies table. I finally figured out what we’re going to be making.
In my country, it is considered very very bad luck
... for the first year of his life, I made up Manny like a girl and told everyone that he was my daughter. But just for a few times, I didn’t want to mess with his head.
You’re really judging me right now
That’s the fourth Hawaiian shirt he’s lost.
Here’s the deal. Girls don’t go for all that romantic stuff. They go for power and success, and since you don’t have either one of those things…
There’s a fish in nature that swims around with its babies in its mouth.
I’m sort of like Costco.
I’m gonna share that one with my next husband
You want to hear the guest list for the night?
Ugh! I need Instagram to know
Everything I touch
Sometimes I don’t understand people. They do the craziest things for the dumbest reasons. They convince themselves that it’ll all work out, despite all evidence to the contrary
We all weave a web of lies. Some we tell to try to help the ones we love.
I’ve always seen life like a series of doors. Sometimes you get to choose the door you go through, sometimes you don’t get that choice. But you still gotta walk through.
You see, the dreamers need the realists to keep them from soaring too close to the sun. And the realists, well, without the dreamers,
That was hardly porn. It was a topless woman on a tractor. You know what they call that in Europe?
Look at them: A minute ago they were babies, and now their driving,
Oh my god. That burger was so good,
You’re not going to drive me into a bad neighborhood
She’s been moody, eating weird food, getting nauseous. She left in the middle of the night for a wedding chapel in Vegas with her secret love, and most suspicious of all,
Sweetheart you’ve had 2 boyfriends in 30 seconds,
It can be challenging finding playmates for an exceptional child.
Thanks to 35 dollars on the Internet you are looking at
That’s the whole point of a surprise party, you take somebody you really love
Don’t get me wrong the Dunphys have some great days,
I had a choice to make. Be the better dancer
I don’t wanna meet anything on Monday
You know what drives me ?
This is the funny thing about growing up. For years and years, everybody's desperately afraid... to be different, you know, in any way.
You can make fun of my hair, my voice, my balance board exercises- don't insult my selling. That crosses a line. What line? Oh, you don't see it?
You can kiss my wife, you can take her to bed but you cannot make her laugh!
You can tell a lot about a person
You only get one chance at a first impression.
The most amazing things that can happen to a human being will happen to you
First get a mirror, then you're gonna look into it and you're gonna see a crazy woman.
Honey, I am sorry every day for dozens of things that actually happen. If I start apologizing for things that don’t happen,
If you wanna fly I'm not gonna hold your feet to the ground,
So after a quick scan of his Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Pinterest and Instagram here is what I know.
I will scrub this place like a crime scene...
So, who wants to come with me for the spoken words festival this evening? I only have two tickets so somebody's going to be disappointed.
Oh, here we go, because in Colombia we trip over goats and we kill people in the street! Do you know how offensive that is?
People can surprise you. You get used to thinking of them one way. Stuck in their roles. They are what they are.
Seriously, a Gryffindor letting his mom carry his Quidditch broom?
That doesn't make any sense! Who wants to live in a world where dogs eat each other?
I don't like the guy. Do I have reasons?? Yes. Good reasons?? Yes. How many reasons do I need?
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