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Who said it - Mark, Jez or Super Hans from Peep Show?

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Witty QuoteCharacter Who Said It
'You know, I honestly never thought I could enjoy working because, when you work, you can't go back to bed until night-time, which seems mad.'
'Look at them all, the Christians. It's not fair. I could be that happy if I believed a lot of rubbish.'
'Jez, can you tell me, yeah, as a mate, someone who knows me really well... is the bottom half of me on fire?'
'There are many things I would do to help you, but digging a hole in the wintery earth with my bare hands so you can bury the corpse of a dog you killed is not one of them.'
'This isn't wrong, just... illegal. Like drink-driving.'
'Why can't I have everything I want all the time? Isn't that democracy?'
'And sperm is like lending someone less than a fiver - you can't really ask for it back.'
'How do I feel? Empty? Check. Scared? Check. Alone? Check. Just another ordinary day.'
'You should drop acid at the funeral. Make it more intense. That's what I did.'
'Yeah, well, Frosties are just cornflakes for people who can't face reality.'
'And you, well, you're a real meat and potatoes, straight up and down, beef Wellington, don't trust the Argies, dick in the vagina, Cheddar cheese and chicken tikka masala man.'
'We'll be friends, like the friends on Friends, who were such good friends, they got bored and screwed each other.'
'Kenneth is what Mark calls his nine-inch dildo.'
'I'm just a normal, functioning member of the human race, and there's no way anyone can prove otherwise.'
'See, the longer the note, the more dread.'
'Sure, an orgy sounds great, but you're basically just multiplying the number of people you won't be able to look in the eye afterwards.'
'I should know how to kill someone by now, I've watched enough CSI.'
'Nodding and smiling like Colonel Gadaffi's psychoanalyst.'
'Everything's just completely ****.'
'I feel like I'm trying to get to **** Mordor.'
'I've entered the abyss. I've bought a house in the abyss. I'm getting my post forwarded to the abyss.'
'I've been initiated! I am a drug user! **** the police!'
'Well, it's the 21st Century. No one actually likes each other anymore.'
'I thought it'd look petty and vindictive not to, and as a petty and vindictive individual, I have to take extra care not to appear petty or vindictive.'
Witty QuoteCharacter Who Said It
'Look, if you're going to steal my food, I'd prefer you not to enjoy it. And not enjoying it myself is a small price to pay.'
'Just stay mute, Mark. You're a social freak. Remain in your compound.'
'God, how did I end up here? Will I ever be allowed to leave?'
'Do I look like the kind of man who goes to wicked parties?'
'Beggars can't be choosers. She's an actual woman.'
'But apparently you can't just do whatever you want because of civilisation.'
'Oh, right now we're called Various Artists, just to **** over people with iPods.'
'Look, I'm in love with her, all right. It's just, she wants to talk about it a lot. Which I'm fine with, but while I'm eating a jacket potato?'
'Crunchy Nut Cornflakes are just Frosties for wankers.'
'Relax, I'll credit card the lock.'
'Hmm, didn't get 4-across, 'Boat', but they aced 'Solipsism'. ...Who was this person?'
'I just feel that, you know, if it ain't broke, don't fix it, and even if it is broke, just ignore it and maybe it'll be sort of OK.'
'I'm not Muffin the **** drugs mule, mate.'
'I suppose doing things you hate is just the price you pay to avoid loneliness.'
'Hi, I thought you might like these. They're flowers, obviously. They'll die eventually, but everything does, doesn't it?
'This is OK. It's just a moment that'll haunt me forever.'
'I'm knitting. Knitting like **** electric nan.'
'If our feet touch, we ****, obviously.'
'If text kisses were real kisses, the world would be an orgy.'
'I don't want to tempt fate, but I think everything is going to be totally great forever.'
'This is good. Not really loving her kind of puts me in a position of power.'
'I thought about trimming the top off but it felt like I was castrating Christmas, you know? Chopping Santa's bollocks off.'
'Relax. Live a little. Could get brown brogues. Best stick to black. Don't want to go completely mental.'
'Of course I can't just make a nice, normal friend. Oh, no, that would be far too simple.'
Witty QuoteCharacter Who Said It
'God, it's so easy being a freak, no wonder there's ten a penny.'
'What's a novel?'
'I'm starting to get this feeling that I'm totally, totally ****.'
'Oh, naughty, you've combined metric and imperial. You might get an interdenominational hangover.'
'You da man!'
'I don't want to go to the ball. I just want to sit around in my pants.'
'Although, brown rice and Pop Tarts, chamomile tea and economy vodka. That's a car-crash of a shopping basket.'
'Jeremism. I'm a Jeremist. Nice.'
'Anything that doesn't mention I masturbate over her memory is probably good. I think that's a compliment, but women just don't seem to want to hear it.'
'I don't need to pay money to join a gym. The world is my gym.'
'Hitler promised not to invade Czechoslovakia, Jeremy. Welcome to the real world.'
'Plumbing's just Lego, innit? Water Lego.'
'Warm copies make everything better.'
'No, course I don't believe in Jesus, but I do believe in Christmas.'
'Real men don't get the earth to help carry their luggage. They carry it themselves.'
'I feel like every day quite a big part of me dies forever.'
'What happens if you eat letter-box hair?'
'I can't believe you're trying to make me get a job not in the media. You're such a bastard.'
'People like Coldplay and voted for the Nazis. You can't trust people, Jeremy.'
'They can laugh, but I win because they think I've pissed myself. They've no clue I came all in my pants.'
'Man seeks woman. Must be interested in film, breathing oxygen and converting protein intake into muscle energy.'
''Love life' may be a rather grandiose term for staring at women on the bus.'
'Crack.'
'Doesn't matter if you're single or in a couple, you... are... going... to... die.'

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