Peep Show Quotes

Who said it - Mark, Jez or Super Hans from Peep Show?

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Witty QuoteCharacter Who Said It
'Look at them all, the Christians. It's not fair. I could be that happy if I believed a lot of rubbish.'
'If text kisses were real kisses, the world would be an orgy.'
'I don't want to go to the ball. I just want to sit around in my pants.'
'Kenneth is what Mark calls his nine-inch dildo.'
'God, how did I end up here? Will I ever be allowed to leave?'
'Doesn't matter if you're single or in a couple, you... are... going... to... die.'
'Crunchy Nut Cornflakes are just Frosties for wankers.'
'And you, well, you're a real meat and potatoes, straight up and down, beef Wellington, don't trust the Argies, dick in the vagina, Cheddar cheese and chicken tikka masala man.'
'Crack.'
'No, course I don't believe in Jesus, but I do believe in Christmas.'
'I just feel that, you know, if it ain't broke, don't fix it, and even if it is broke, just ignore it and maybe it'll be sort of OK.'
'Anything that doesn't mention I masturbate over her memory is probably good. I think that's a compliment, but women just don't seem to want to hear it.'
'I'm just a normal, functioning member of the human race, and there's no way anyone can prove otherwise.'
'Jez, can you tell me, yeah, as a mate, someone who knows me really well... is the bottom half of me on fire?'
'They can laugh, but I win because they think I've pissed myself. They've no clue I came all in my pants.'
'I feel like I'm trying to get to **** Mordor.'
'How do I feel? Empty? Check. Scared? Check. Alone? Check. Just another ordinary day.'
'Although, brown rice and Pop Tarts, chamomile tea and economy vodka. That's a car-crash of a shopping basket.'
'Hitler promised not to invade Czechoslovakia, Jeremy. Welcome to the real world.'
'I can't believe you're trying to make me get a job not in the media. You're such a bastard.'
'God, it's so easy being a freak, no wonder there's ten a penny.'
''Love life' may be a rather grandiose term for staring at women on the bus.'
'Plumbing's just Lego, innit? Water Lego.'
'I thought about trimming the top off but it felt like I was castrating Christmas, you know? Chopping Santa's bollocks off.'
Witty QuoteCharacter Who Said It
'Oh, right now we're called Various Artists, just to **** over people with iPods.'
'You know, I honestly never thought I could enjoy working because, when you work, you can't go back to bed until night-time, which seems mad.'
'Oh, naughty, you've combined metric and imperial. You might get an interdenominational hangover.'
'I'm starting to get this feeling that I'm totally, totally ****.'
'Well, it's the 21st Century. No one actually likes each other anymore.'
'See, the longer the note, the more dread.'
'I feel like every day quite a big part of me dies forever.'
'Hmm, didn't get 4-across, 'Boat', but they aced 'Solipsism'. ...Who was this person?'
'I'm not Muffin the **** drugs mule, mate.'
'There are many things I would do to help you, but digging a hole in the wintery earth with my bare hands so you can bury the corpse of a dog you killed is not one of them.'
'If our feet touch, we ****, obviously.'
'Man seeks woman. Must be interested in film, breathing oxygen and converting protein intake into muscle energy.'
'Do I look like the kind of man who goes to wicked parties?'
'Yeah, well, Frosties are just cornflakes for people who can't face reality.'
'You should drop acid at the funeral. Make it more intense. That's what I did.'
'This is OK. It's just a moment that'll haunt me forever.'
'This isn't wrong, just... illegal. Like drink-driving.'
'But apparently you can't just do whatever you want because of civilisation.'
'I suppose doing things you hate is just the price you pay to avoid loneliness.'
'Jeremism. I'm a Jeremist. Nice.'
'You da man!'
'Look, if you're going to steal my food, I'd prefer you not to enjoy it. And not enjoying it myself is a small price to pay.'
'What's a novel?'
'Warm copies make everything better.'
Witty QuoteCharacter Who Said It
'Beggars can't be choosers. She's an actual woman.'
'I don't need to pay money to join a gym. The world is my gym.'
'Look, I'm in love with her, all right. It's just, she wants to talk about it a lot. Which I'm fine with, but while I'm eating a jacket potato?'
'Everything's just completely ****.'
'I should know how to kill someone by now, I've watched enough CSI.'
'We'll be friends, like the friends on Friends, who were such good friends, they got bored and screwed each other.'
'This is good. Not really loving her kind of puts me in a position of power.'
'Real men don't get the earth to help carry their luggage. They carry it themselves.'
'And sperm is like lending someone less than a fiver - you can't really ask for it back.'
'Hi, I thought you might like these. They're flowers, obviously. They'll die eventually, but everything does, doesn't it?
'Why can't I have everything I want all the time? Isn't that democracy?'
'I'm knitting. Knitting like **** electric nan.'
'Nodding and smiling like Colonel Gadaffi's psychoanalyst.'
'I've entered the abyss. I've bought a house in the abyss. I'm getting my post forwarded to the abyss.'
'I've been initiated! I am a drug user! **** the police!'
'People like Coldplay and voted for the Nazis. You can't trust people, Jeremy.'
'Relax, I'll credit card the lock.'
'I don't want to tempt fate, but I think everything is going to be totally great forever.'
'Relax. Live a little. Could get brown brogues. Best stick to black. Don't want to go completely mental.'
'Of course I can't just make a nice, normal friend. Oh, no, that would be far too simple.'
'I thought it'd look petty and vindictive not to, and as a petty and vindictive individual, I have to take extra care not to appear petty or vindictive.'
'Just stay mute, Mark. You're a social freak. Remain in your compound.'
'Sure, an orgy sounds great, but you're basically just multiplying the number of people you won't be able to look in the eye afterwards.'
'What happens if you eat letter-box hair?'

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