19 Stanley Hudson Quotes for Professional Idiots

(Last Updated On: October 6, 2020)

19 Stanley Hudson Quotes for Professional Idiots

There are quite a few fans of The Office who probably identify with Jim. Makes sense, he is the self-insert character after all. But let’s all be real, most of your friends who say “I am Jim” because of his disillusioned cynicism are really Stanley. So what better way to make fun of your friend who thinks they’re Jim but is actually Stanley with a bunch of Stanley Hudson quotes?

1. “I wake up every morning in a bed that’s too small, drive my daughter to a school that’s too expensive, and then I go to work to a job where I get paid too little.”

At least he likes pretzel day.

2. “Did I stutter?”

No, probably not. We’re pretty sure many viewers of The Office say this on a day to day basis. 

3. “Have you lost your mind because I’ll help you find it.”

Honestly, this one also probably goes into the “things The Office fans say on a day to day basis” database too. 

4. “Shove it up your butt.”

You have to act like you’re being helpful while giving an overly long explanation for your assistance first. We’re told it’s stupid, but it’s also a thing now.

5. “Yes, I have a dream, and it’s not some MLK dream for equality.”

“I wanna live in a decommissioned lighthouse. And nobody knows I live there. And there’s a button that I can press and it’ll launch it into space.”

6. “I have been trying to get on jury duty every single year since I was 18 years old.”

We’re pretty sure what made it was the free lunch. But most of us know that getting disqualified for jury duty is actually quite easy–and arbitrary. For one, you could just not have an attitude the court likes. Or the court being decidedly super racist that day.

7. “You been meatballed! Are you ready for some meatball?”

Honestly, it was quite a genius play to get free food from a coworker. Stanley and Dwight are playing 4D chess.

8. “Drive fast and leave a sexy corpse.”

We can drive fast all we want, but we’re pretty sure the sexy part is a known, low quantity.

9. “I don’t apologize unless I think I’m wrong. And if you don’t like it, you can leave.”

He says it to his wife, and he’ll say it to his next wife too. Might need to think about a couple more marriages down the line.

10. “I took an extra shot of insulin in preparation for this cake today. If I don’t have some cake soon I might die.”

11. Florida Stanley smiles, Florida Stanley is happy to go to work, Florida Stanley is who you want on your Florida team.”

Would Stanley win in a fight against Florida Man, though?

12. “I would rather work for an upturned broom with a bucket for a head than work for somebody else in this office besides myself.”

That’s probably why Jim saw death in his eyes when they put on the big inflatable sumo suits.

13. “You are a professional idiot.”

Wait which one was he talking to this time?

14. “Newsflash; you are not special.”

Well he’s not wrong. Something about how everyone being special means nobody’s special. But that’s a Syndrome quote isn’t it?

15. “Why don’t you skip on up to the roof and jump off?”

Well we did just realize we weren’t special, so it’s only logical.

16. “If I can’t find a new way to relate more positively to my surroundings, I’m going to die.”

You and us both.


17. “I’ll slap you in the face with a rainbow.”

Well, at least it’ll be cheerful? Getting some mixed messages here.

18. “I’ll give you a billion Stanley nickels if you never talk to me again.”

They convert to Schrute bucks at the same rate to unicorns and leprechauns.

19. “It’s all about taking points away from Dwight.”

What isn’t at this point?

Know what Stanley is and isn’t aware of? Test yourself here. Also remember that deleted scene where he says “It’s called hentai and it’s art.”? We do.

More stuff about The Office from us here.



About Kyler 728 Articles
Kyler is a content writer at Sporcle living in Seattle, and is currently studying at the University of Washington School of Law. He's been writing for Sporcle since 2019; sometimes the blog is an excellent platform to answer random personal questions he has about the world. Most of his free time is spent drinking black coffee like water.