19 Mad-About-Everything John Mulaney Quotes

John Mulaney Quotes

Sometimes you just need to sit down and see some things that are funny. And when you think about it, what better funnies are there than a stand-up comedian with so much notoriety his reappearance on Saturday Night Life made some ripples. But perhaps nothing John Mulaney has ever done has been so surreal as the time he dragged Jake Gyllenhaal into the weirdest musical bit ever. Need a few more laughs? Check out these John Mulaney quotes.

19 Mad-About-Everything John Mulaney Quotes

1. “No Mr. Music is not okay he’s having a lot of trouble.”

No really, that musical clip was an absolutely wild ride and we’re still not entirely sure how to feel about it.

2. “I’ll keep all my emotions right here. And then one day, I’ll die.”

It’s not healthy but you know… Affording mental healthcare is hard, okay?

3. “It is 100% easier not to do things than to do them, and so much fun not to do them–especially when you were supposed to do them. In terms of… like… instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.”

You ever ask an adult what they did over the weekend and they say they did nothing? Their faces light up.

4. “I never knew you were supposed to push off of your feet when you walked. And I tried it, and I walked much faster.”

We were always told to learn something new every day. But new ways to walk as a functioning adult is probably something most people didn’t want to put on there.

5. “If you’re comparing the badness of two words, and you won’t even say one of them? That’s the worse word.”

You can probably personally think of a lot of times you’d like to have used this as a comeback.

6. “It seems like everyone, everywhere, is super mad about everything, all the time.”

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7. “Sometimes people would say “what do you think you’re doing?” But that just meant “stop.””

Well he was going to put a bottle rocket into a carton of eggs so they would explode everywhere. 

8. “Email viruses bring people together in amazing ways.”

Well it is a good way to actually see who is or is not in your contacts we guess.

9. “Very muted claps for Xanax. You don’t really get “whoo” it’s more like “eeuuuyeaaaaah.””

We’re just going to lie down now.

10. “When I walk down the street I need everybody, all day long, to like me so much. It’s exhausting.”

That’s probably why he needed Xanax.

11. “You have an imagination, you have a movie theater in your mind that plays arguments! That you win!”

We spend too much time thinking about all the comebacks we could have had that definitely would not have won the argument anyway.

12. “I’ve been zoned out since 2014. I just–all day long–I wander into traffic. Walking like Charlie Chaplain while listening to a podcast while thinking about a different podcast.”

Honestly, we’ve probably been doing this since before 2014. 

13. “It’s wrong to make fun of people but it’s so fun sometimes.”

Well they wouldn’t call it making fun of people if it was never fun, right?

14. “13 year olds are the meanest people in the world.”

Do nice 13 year olds exist?

15. “8th graders will make fun of you, but in an accurate way. They will get to the thing that you don’t like about you.”

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16. “I don’t look like someone who used to do anything. I look like I was just sitting in a room with a chair eating saltines for 28 years and then walked right out here.”

Being called “cosmically uninteresting” is probably one of the hardest, clean insults we can think of at the moment.

17. “In their letter they were like “hey, it’s been a while since you’ve given us money.” Hey, it’s been a while since you’ve housed and taught me.”

You might say he gave his college $120,000 and they had the audacity to ask him for more money. 

What even is college anyway? 

18. “And now there’s new Nazis! I don’t care for these new Nazis and you may quote me on that.”

Okay, done.

19. “It’s like there’s a horse. Loose in a hospital.”

It might not be the worst thing. A horse is a very stable animal. Right?

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