21 Beet-Infused Dwight Schrute Quotes

(Last Updated On: March 13, 2020)

Dwight Schrute Quotes

It’s time for more reminiscing about The Office. We took a look back at some of Michael’s least productive lines last time, so it feels right that we move on Dwight Schrute, Assistant to the Regional Manager. These Dwight quotes will also likely destroy your workplace productivity, but in a different way.

21 Beet-Infused Dwight Schrute Quotes

1. “Whenever I’m about to do something, I think ‘Would an idiot do that?’ And if they would, I do not do that thing.”

Honestly, we live by pretty similar rules. Which brings into question why we ever do anything at all. 

2. “I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?”

No. We could not imagine that. At all.

3. “I keep various weaponry strategically placed around the office.”

“It’s better to be hurt by someone you know, accidentally, than by a stranger on purpose.”

We suppose that was a bonus quote; but what was that thing about security he mentioned earlier?

4. “R is among one of the most menacing sounds. That’s why it’s called murder, not mukduk.”

Well, at least if Dwight were deranged, he would be committing mukduk. And not murder.

5. “I am better than you have ever been or ever will be.”

Sometimes you just gotta project that face of confidence. 

6. “Fortunately my feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man’s.”

Ah yes, the Wolverine of emotions. The Deadpool of spirits. At least with that kind of weird regeneration, this guy never has to see a doctor?

7. “I studied him, to figure out why I hated him so much. But that blossomed into a very real friendship, as these things often do.”

Yup. Who can’t relate to that?

8. “You know, I really would’ve appreciated a heads up that you were into dating mothers. I would’ve introduced you to mine.”

We already know Dwight is a legendary wingman. Just ask Michael.

9. “I wonder if king-sized sheets are called presidential-sized in England?”

Do they get more obscure as we shrink? Like are twin-sized sheets Secretary-of-State-sized?

10.“Ah, humor. I have it too.”

Image result for Ah, humor. I have it too. gif

Yes, we do the funnies. We promise. We’re absolutely hilarious. 

11. “Nothing stresses me out. Except having to seek the approval of my inferiors.”

Peer pressure is a pretty good motivator for going through life, so we have to give some props for that. 

12. “You couldn’t handle my undivided attention.”

We’re not really sure we’d want it in the first place.

13. “The eyes are the groin of the head.”

And the groin is the groin of the body.

14. “I am ready to face any challenge that might be foolish enough to face me.”

We too would like to be able to strut around the world with this level of confidence. We’ll get there someday, we hope. 

15. “No, don’t call me a hero. Do you know who the real heroes are? The guys who wake up every morning and go into their normal jobs, and get a distress call from the Commissioner and take off their glasses and change into capes and fly around fighting crime. Those are the real heroes.”

These are just facts.

16. “Goat on chicken… Chicken on goat… Couple of chickens doing a goat, couple pigs watching…”

He did grow up on a farm after all. 

17. “Congratulations on your one cousin. I have seventy, each one better than the last!”

Because that’s how cousins tend to work.

18. “I did not become a Lackawanna volunteer sheriff’s deputy to make friends. And by the way, I haven’t.”

We wonder why, our good sir.

19. “What is my perfect crime?”

“I break into Tiffany’s at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It’s priceless. As I’m taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It’s her father’s business. She’s Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico but I go to Canada. I don’t trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son and he’s the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting: I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris, by the Trocadero. She’s been waiting for me all these years; she’s never taken another lover. I don’t care, I don’t show up. I go to Berlin. That’s where I stashed the chandelier.”

20. “Depression? Isn’t that just a fancy word for feeling “bummed out”?

Just make sure your boss doesn’t call you ignorant for saying this. Might try to jump off of a roof and into a bouncy castle or something.

21. “Buttlicker! Our prices have never been lower!

Just ask Mr. William M. Buttlicker for another chance.

Did you like these Dwight Schrute quotes? See how well you know Dwight by taking this quiz!

About the Author:

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Kyler is a content writer at Sporcle living in Seattle, and is currently studying at the University of Washington School of Law. He's been writing for Sporcle since 2019; sometimes the blog is an excellent platform to answer random personal questions he has about the world. Most of his free time is spent drinking black coffee like water.