| Quote | Character |
| A human with me at the end and human tears. 2000 years and I can still be surprised. In this I see God. | |
| I reckon I've already been to heaven. It was inside your wife. | |
| You are a man in this family, but I am the oldest person here and this is my house. You better respect me boy. | |
| I haven't enjoyed sex with men since the Eisenhower administration. | |
| She was clumsy, stupid and mean. But I wouldn't wish that kinda death on a possum. | |
| They're like humans but miniature. Teacup humans. | |
| Withholding is tantamount to lying, and I can't have that in our relationship. | |
| I hate using the number keys to type. | |
| I'd have totally been a slut if I coulda gotten away with it. | |
| I was gonna wait, you know, till I met the right one. | |
| | Quote | Character |
| Giving Jason Stackhouse vampire blood is like giving Ho-Hos to a diabetic. You know he can't control himself! | |
| That thing owes me a pair of shoes. | |
| The war has begun, you evil w***e of Satan! | |
| In this restaurant, a hamburger deluxe comes with french fries, lettuce, tomato, mayo, and AIDS! | |
| You know what I really wish would come to Marthaville? Buffy. Or Blade. | |
| I've always loved these things. They're like booze for dolls! | |
| Bulls**t. God has horns. | |
| I've always wondered what it'd be like to gaze into the eyes of some one so devoid of human compassion. | |
| People thought I was crazy, 'cause I thought I saw a pig. | |
| I can assure you that every member of our community is now drinking synthetic blood. That's why we decided to make our existence known. | |
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