The Ultimate Mitch Hedberg Experience

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Can you name the missing word(s) in these Mitch Hedberg jokes?

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quotemissing word(s)
''I was gonna have my teeth whitened, but I said f**k it, I'll just get a _______ instead.''
''Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr. Pepper, but it's a bulls**t replica, because dude didn't even get his _______.''
''On a fishing show they catch the fish, but then they let it go. They don't wanna eat the fish, but they do wanna make it _______ for something.''
''If you're a fish and you wanna be a fish stick, you have to have very good _______.''
''You can't be a slouchy fish or you will be a fish ________.''
''I like to wear this pass, cause it lets me know when I'm _______ _______.''
''I had no idea. Ducks eat for free at _______. Had I known I would've ordered a much larger sandwich.''
''You'd think I like sports just because I'm a man. I'm not into sports. I mean, I like _______, but that's as far as it goes.''
''I have a CD in stores. When you have a CD in store you have to do in-store appearances. If no one shows up I pretend like I'm _______.''
'They say the recipe for _______ is lemon and lime, but I tried to make it at home there's more to it than that.''
''I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a _______.''
''I would imagine that if you can understand morse code, a _______ _______would drive you crazy''
''I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling, I'm addicted to sitting in a _______.''
''As an adult I'm not supposed to go down _______. So if I end up at the top of a ________ I pretend like I got there accidentally.''
'''Lola doesn't understand the meaning of the word 'can't''. That was worse in a way; not only does she not have arms, but she doesn't understand simple _______.''
''I used to do _______. I still do, but I used to, too.''
''My fake plants died because I did not _______ to water them.''
''I have a _______-sized bed. I don't know any _______, but if one came over I guess he'd be comfortable.''
''You see turkey-ham, turkey-bologna, turkey-pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey 'man, just be _______.'''
''I'm not interested in following my _______. I'll just ask where they're going and hook up with them later.''
''Hey if you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count _______ animals, you will run out.''
''I saw a commercial that said 'forget everything you know about _______ _______'. So I did, and it was a load off my mind.''
''I think Bigfoot is _______, that's the problem.''
quotemissing word(s)
''In a Kit-Kit candy bar, they have the word 'Kit-Kat' imprinted into the chocolate. That _______ you of chocolate!''
''Don't give up Mitch, please try again. A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom, _______ on top.''
''Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or a really _______ opotamus?''
''I have a belt on that's holding up my pants, and my pants have pant loops that's holding up my belt. I don't know what's happening down there - who is the real _______?''
''I saw on HBO they were advertising a boxing match and said 'It's a fight to the _______'. That's a good place to end.''
''That Pepperidge Farm bread, that's fancy stuff. It's wrapped twice. You open it, and it still ain't open. I don't need another step between me and _______.''
''I went to the store and bought 8 apples. The clerk said 'do you need a bag?' and I said 'Oh no, ma'am, I _______.'''
''If you walk along the border with your friend and you push him into Canada, he can't push you back right away cause first he has to go through _______.''
''Dogs are forever in the _______ position.''
''I order the _______ sandwich all the time. But I'm not even a member I don't know how I get away with it.''
''_______ is great if you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.''
''I tried to walk into Target but I _______. The entrance to Target should have people splattered all around.''
''Mitch did you hear the story about the mother who drove her 3 kids into the river and they all drowned?' 'Yeah, that inspires me to write a movie about... a _______!'''
''I find that ducks' opinion of me is influenced over whether or not I have _______.''
''I like to take a toothpick and throw it in the forest and say 'You're _______!'''
''Dr. Scholl makes foot products, and he's a doctor so he went to school for a long time, but it doesn't take a lot to know that stepping on a _______ would be more comfortable.''
''I would've bought that s**t from a Mr. Scholl. Maybe even a _______ Scholl.''
''Animal crackers make you think that all animals taste the same. What does a _______ taste like? A hippopotamus!''
''I think Pringles' initial intention was to make _______ _______.''
''When I was a boy I laid in my _______-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.''
'''Hey Mitch, would you like a frozen banana?' 'No, but I would like a _______ banana later, so yeah.''
''I called the hotel operator and she said 'how can I direct your call?' Well you can start by saying _______!''

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