The Simpsons or Family Guy?

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Can you name the TV show (The Simpsons or Family Guy) where these quotes come from?

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QuoteTS or FG???Character Who Said It
Shoplifting is a victimless crime. Like punching someone in the dark.
Dear McGyver: Enclosed is a paper clip, a rubber band, and a drinking straw. Please save our dog.
Well, he’s kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace “accidentally” with “repeatedly” and replace “dog” with “son.”
All right, all right, make like Siamese twins and split... And then one of you die.
When I stick this army guy with the sharp bayonette up my nose, it tickles my brain. Hah hah hah...ow. Oh, now I don’t know math.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
You know, I rather like this God fellow. He’s very theatrical. A little pestilence here, a plague there... to get me some of that.
Dear diary: Jackpot.
Please do not offer my god a peanut.
Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true!
QuoteTS or FG???Character Who Said It
Inflammable means flammable? What a country.
I think the lesson here is, it really doesn’t matter where you’re from, as long as we’re all the same religion.
Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry?
Me fail English? That’s unpossible.
Tonight there’s a new reality show on Fox: “Fast Animals, Slow Children.”
We started out like Romeo and Juliet, but it ended up in tragedy.
What good is money if it can’t inspire terror in your fellow man?
I will not stand idly by while you abrogate my plans! You shall rue this day!... Well, go on, start ruing!
I’m so hungry I could ride a horse. I don’t get it. Well, I could ride it to the store, I guess.
Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.

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