Television / The Simpsons or Family Guy?

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Can you name the TV show (The Simpsons or Family Guy) where these quotes come from?

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QuoteTS or FG???Character Who Said It
I think the lesson here is, it really doesn’t matter where you’re from, as long as we’re all the same religion.
Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.
Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry?
I will not stand idly by while you abrogate my plans! You shall rue this day!... Well, go on, start ruing!
You know, I rather like this God fellow. He’s very theatrical. A little pestilence here, a plague there... to get me some of that.
Shoplifting is a victimless crime. Like punching someone in the dark.
We started out like Romeo and Juliet, but it ended up in tragedy.
Please do not offer my god a peanut.
When I stick this army guy with the sharp bayonette up my nose, it tickles my brain. Hah hah hah...ow. Oh, now I don’t know math.
Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true!
QuoteTS or FG???Character Who Said It
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Inflammable means flammable? What a country.
Dear McGyver: Enclosed is a paper clip, a rubber band, and a drinking straw. Please save our dog.
I’m so hungry I could ride a horse. I don’t get it. Well, I could ride it to the store, I guess.
Tonight there’s a new reality show on Fox: “Fast Animals, Slow Children.”
Dear diary: Jackpot.
What good is money if it can’t inspire terror in your fellow man?
Me fail English? That’s unpossible.
All right, all right, make like Siamese twins and split... And then one of you die.
Well, he’s kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace “accidentally” with “repeatedly” and replace “dog” with “son.”

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