community or modern family?

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Can you name the community or modern family quotes?

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''You insult a woman's driving, and you use the air bunnies? I kill you.''
''I'm going to attack you with this, and you defend yourself with respect''
''That was hardly porn – it was a topless woman on a tractor. You know what they call that in Europe? A cereal commercial.''
''My uncle was struck by lightning. You'd think it would give you superpowers, but now he just masturbates in movie theaters.''
'' I don't get how one dog keeps you awake when you grew sleeping through cockfights and revolutions'
''I text. LOL: laugh out loud, OMG: Oh, my god, WTF: Why the face?''
''I hope you like getting balled!''
''I can't think of anything more frightening than a half-Polish, half-Arab virgin in his thirties. One way or another, that ends with an explosion.''
quoteshow
''Leave it to the gays to raise the only underachieving Asian in America.''
''Cheerleading in my college was cool. The football players were so jealous they wouldn't even let me and my buddies go to their parties.'
''You know who has real conversations? Ants. They talk by vomiting chemicals in each other's mouths.''
''If an accident does happen, I hope it kills me, because I don't think I would be a very inspiring disabled person''
''One time my dad was struck by lightning. That's why he can drink as much as he wants.''
''In what war is he a criminal? In the battle for our affections?''
''A minute you're just friends watching Falcon Crest, and the next, you're lying underneath the air hockey table with your bra in your pocket!''
''The real reason men fight is to release their pent-up gayness.''

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