| I'm amazed how many people will say they're a vegetarian and then add, 'Well, I eat a little chicken.' Well, then you're not a vegetarian. You're what's known as a liar. |
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| Everyone tries to get you to dance at these clubs, especially women. They're like, 'You gotta dance. You gotta dance!' And then I dance, and they're like, 'Not like that.' |
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| If you're ever walking down the beach and you see a girl dressed in a bikini made out of seashells, and you pick her up and hold her to your ear, you can hear her scream. |
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| I think if you're gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, 'I'm dumb.' That's it. That way in 10 years, when you go, 'Why did I get this?,' you can be like, 'Oh, I'm dumb!' |
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| I'm a big boy, but I can get jiggy with it. Ladies, I will go to dance clubs, and I will tear it up hardcore for a good 30 seconds. |
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| The thing is -- I'm not an idiot. I'm rather intelligent, as proven by the fact that I just used the word 'rather' in a sentence. |
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| Like most comics, I just broke up with my girlfriend... The reason we broke up is because I caught her lying -- under another man. |
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| Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab, and you think the fare is the time. |
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| She was so loud, like all the time, and bulimic. I was always going, 'Honey, keep it down.' |
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| I like a escalator, man, 'cause an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. |
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| I think the serving size of ice cream is when you hear the spoon hit the bottom of the container. |
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| Everybody loves pot brownies. But I bring crystal meth cupcakes to a party, suddenly I'm the weirdo. |
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| I think the first thing I'm going to do when I get back upstairs after the show is tear off my wife's underwear. And I'll tell you why -- because they are crushing my balls. |
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| There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I love that name, Futon World. Makes me think of a magical place that becomes less comfortable over time. |
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| I got Tums in my pocket for no reason at all. I used to carry condoms, but I know I've got a better chance of getting a stomachache than getting laid. |
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| I knew comedy was for me when I was the only Asian in high school that failed math. But you know, when I failed, eight other students around me failed, too. |
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| You know how you know when you lost a fight to your woman? When the cops come to your house and ask you do you want to press charges. |
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| The original Nintendo was the best system ever because it's the only system that, if it didn't work, you could fix it by blowing into it all day. |
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| I love those restaurants because they cater to fat people. They know fat people are showing up. You walk in; they're like, 'Hey, we took chicken and put cake in it. Is that cool?' |
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| Have you seen the bologna that has the olives in it? Who's that for? 'I like my bologna like a martini. With an olive.' 'I'll have the bologna sandwich -- dirty.' |
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1-100
Typing Challenge
Drawing a Blank
