Comedians By Joke

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Can you name the comedians who told these jokes?

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I'm amazed how many people will say they're a vegetarian and then add, 'Well, I eat a little chicken.' Well, then you're not a vegetarian. You're what's known as a liar.
 
Everyone tries to get you to dance at these clubs, especially women. They're like, 'You gotta dance. You gotta dance!' And then I dance, and they're like, 'Not like that.'
 
If you're ever walking down the beach and you see a girl dressed in a bikini made out of seashells, and you pick her up and hold her to your ear, you can hear her scream.
 
I think if you're gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, 'I'm dumb.' That's it. That way in 10 years, when you go, 'Why did I get this?,' you can be like, 'Oh, I'm dumb!'
 
I'm a big boy, but I can get jiggy with it. Ladies, I will go to dance clubs, and I will tear it up hardcore for a good 30 seconds.
 
The thing is -- I'm not an idiot. I'm rather intelligent, as proven by the fact that I just used the word 'rather' in a sentence.
 
Like most comics, I just broke up with my girlfriend... The reason we broke up is because I caught her lying -- under another man.
 
Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab, and you think the fare is the time.
 
She was so loud, like all the time, and bulimic. I was always going, 'Honey, keep it down.'
 
I like a escalator, man, 'cause an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs.
 
I think the serving size of ice cream is when you hear the spoon hit the bottom of the container.
 
Everybody loves pot brownies. But I bring crystal meth cupcakes to a party, suddenly I'm the weirdo.
 
I think the first thing I'm going to do when I get back upstairs after the show is tear off my wife's underwear. And I'll tell you why -- because they are crushing my balls.
 
There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I love that name, Futon World. Makes me think of a magical place that becomes less comfortable over time.
 
I got Tums in my pocket for no reason at all. I used to carry condoms, but I know I've got a better chance of getting a stomachache than getting laid.
 
I knew comedy was for me when I was the only Asian in high school that failed math. But you know, when I failed, eight other students around me failed, too.
 
You know how you know when you lost a fight to your woman? When the cops come to your house and ask you do you want to press charges.
 
The original Nintendo was the best system ever because it's the only system that, if it didn't work, you could fix it by blowing into it all day.
 
I love those restaurants because they cater to fat people. They know fat people are showing up. You walk in; they're like, 'Hey, we took chicken and put cake in it. Is that cool?'
 
Have you seen the bologna that has the olives in it? Who's that for? 'I like my bologna like a martini. With an olive.' 'I'll have the bologna sandwich -- dirty.'
 

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Created Nov 16, 2009ReportNominate
Tags:comedian, jokes