Name The Comedian

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Can you name the name the comedian from the quote provided?

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“Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.”
“Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.”
“Jesus Christ, Timmy! ... Do not float above me when I am dying in the abyss!”
'Hate your job? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody and they meet at a bar.”
“I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.”
“There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea.”
'This summer Arnold Schwarzenegger is...Little Tortilla Boy.'
“Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man - there's your diamond in the rough.”
“The big yellow one is the sun!”
“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.”
“My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.”
“Who got the part? Chris Tucker? Sh*t! Who got the other part? Tell me man. Jackie Chan? That mother f**ker can't even speak English!”
“I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive.”
“A word to the wise ain’t necessary. It’s the stupid ones who need the advice.”
“I mean, they don't grade fathers. But if your daughter's a stripper, you f***ed up.”
“I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.”

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