| Quote | Character | Episode |
|---|
| To me you are the teacher in the Charlie Brown Cartoon. | |
| You could try stunting her growth, keeping her in a box, blowing cigarette smoke on her. | |
| Yes, she likes me, but you're her best friend, and if you don't like me, I won't get anywhere. | |
| Time's were simpler, kids didn't have sex, neighbors knew each other. It's a friggin' fairy tale. Things sucked then too, they just sucked without indoor plumbing. | |
| Maybe you are more of a worker bee, a follower, a ticket ripper, or the man at the concert with the orange glow stick directing you where to park. | |
| When standards slip, families flee and in comes the seedy crowd. You got trouble, my friends. | |
| If you say there's no reason for the mood, then there's no reason for the mood. You're simply nuts. | |
| I'll be dead tomorrow. I plan on flinging myself off the roof tonight right in the middle of Pittie Salinger's opening speech. | |
| His head is shaped like a football. If he fell asleep in the park, someone would try to punt him. | |
| You take three left turns and you're back in the center of town. | |
| A tiny little ice cream package just big enough for two. Hey, are you guys gonna feed each other, cause that's just so darn cute | |
| Please, please don't talk her out of these things! I do not want to die without seeing midgets dancing with a mushroom. | |
| She doesn't have the baseball bat in her hands, does she? | |
| Well, first I read the sign and then I tried the door in case it was some sort of elaborate ruse. | |
| That's a long-term investment. Don't touch it for thirty years and you're looking for 45 dollars. | |
| 'Cause I'm so damn lonely not even Animal Planet does it for me anymore. | |
| Oh good, just in time. Kirk here is about to tell us the difference between cows and humans. | |
| You go off to Washington and then nothing and you're all put out cause I didn't sit here and wait for you like Dean would have done. | |
| In the old days, a woman would never consider doing that in public. They’d go find a barn or a cave or something. I mean, it’s indecent. | |
| Everyone can see it, Rory! Everyone. And I’m tired, but I’m over it, so go ahead, go. Be together. There’s nothing standing in your way now, ‘cause I’m out. | |
| Oh, wonderful. I was getting so tired of being American, day after day after day. | |
| They're just a little numb. But I've got these Kurt Cobain calluses now, how cool is that? | |
| On the side of what? On the side of the burgers, on the side of the sandwiches, or on the side of the road where the ditch I’m gonna dump your body into is? | |
| Well, it's a little bigger than a basketball player. Just keep a really big basketball player between us. | |
| I enjoy playing those hymns on my guitar, and I really, really want to take your daughter to the prom. | |
| I would marry the beach if man and property were allowed to mate. | |
| All you need is six dancing penguins and Mary Poppins floating in the corner to bring back two of the worst hours of my childhood. | |
| Dave is dead to me. Comprendo? Dead. Cover the mirror, rip a shirt, that guy doesn't exist. | |
| I don't waltz at all. It's embarrassing and a little gay. | |
| He was, in addition to being a complete nincompoop, rather a chubby lad. So one night, we tied him in between two mattresses and threw him out the window. | |
| | Quote | Character | Episode |
|---|
| I need a ride. I’m in Lichtfield, the corner of Mason and Pine. It’s a big white building, you’ll recognize it by the police sign outside, ’cause oh hell, I’m in jail | |
| Patience is a virtue. | |
| Far be it from me to expect reason and common sense to triumph above youthful omniscience, so for today, we shall stop until next week. | |
| It's like a marketing thing. Don't call 'em 'tights.' You guys don't want to wear 'tights.' Call 'em 'air pants.' | |
| I got your doors. | |
| This feud of ours has now reached comical heights that… Charlie Chaplin, himself, would find hilarious, and he's dead. | |
| It's your choice, Ace. People can live a hundred years without really living for a minute. You climb up here with me, it's one less minute you haven't lived. | |
| Because drinking is bad. It's very, very bad and we're bad for doing it. | |
| College is breaking my spirit. Every single day, telling me things I don't know. It's making me feel stupid. | |
| Toying with these boys like this. They used to have pride. They used to have dignity. They used to have balls. Damn it, Gilmore! Give them back their balls. | |
| Bankruptcy will be fun and different. Be sure to file for it while it’s snowing, won’t you? We’ll go down to bankruptcy court in a horse-drawn sleigh. | |
| You look so hot when you find me annoying. | |
| I'm loving this blackened Cajun bread Luke made for me. I didn't even ask for it. | |
| Remember my brother Bo? ...He thinks you're a nympho. | |
| A jungle gym license. If I want kids to playin' on my urn, no one's gonna tell me I need a license. | |
| I paid 40 thousand dollars to redecorate her sex-house. I bought a her a sex mattress. Her sex-box springs. | |
| This isn't you! This! You going out with this jerk? With a Porsche? We made fun of guys like this! | |
| You're too unmaterialistic I've always thought that about you. | |
| I want to get the healthy glow of someone who goes consistently to the gym without actually having to go of course. | |
| I'd... keep the back cover, everything else goes! | |
| Well I told you not to serve spaghetti and meatballs. They always fight when you serve spaghetti and meatballs. | |
| Now that's rather cynical, who's to say I'm not doing something here that will surprise and delight you? | |
| You may not see that right now but I do. And if I have to wait until we're both 80 years old for you to see it then I'll wait. I'm not going anywhere. This is it for me. | |
| Your mother's in jail? | |
| She looked me straight in the eye and said, 'When I grow up, I'm going to marry Tip O'Neill! | |
| You can still be a person and you can still be rock and roll. Having babies doesn't mean you can't be rock and roll! | |
| All in all,I think I'd rather be in Philadelphia. | |
| Are you insinuating that a hen could mate with an ostrich? | |
| Me and lactose are bros. | |
| Sports cars don't think they're better than other cars! Okay? Hatchbacks do not have SUV inferiority complexes! | |
|
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