'Despite her obvious efforts, Valley author Stephanie Meyer is simply an awful writer. I feel horrible saying it, but at this point it has been made clear to the entire world. Sadly, I think her overly simple and cliché writing is what makes the book so appealing. Cracking open a thesaurus doesn't make you a novelist.'
'These are the worst vampires in history. Rarely do main vampire Edward Cullen and his friends eat at all, despite being 'vegetarian' vampires, feeding off animals instead of humans. And where did they gain this conscience? Why do they care if people die? They're vampires!'
'I want to hit Bella. Not only is the character of Bella lacking any sort of emotional depth, but she allows herself to fall into the arms of an effing vampire. Any sane person would be weary of the situation. Not only that, but she proceeds to continue a bizarre codependent relationship with him. This 'I love you … but stay away from me … but come here anyway,' BS that Edward pulls is just unhealthy. On that note …'
'I want to hit Edward. Mostly because he refuses to end Bella's life by finally feasting on the blood he's wanted for so long and thereby ending my misery. Go on! She's delicious.'
'Edward is sooooooooooooooooo hot! OMG! Edward is sooooo freakin' dreamy. You know how I know? Because Meyer makes hundreds of references to his beauty in the book. All the while, he lives up to being like most hot guys - completely vacant of personality. None of his creepy behavior (watching Bella as she sleeps, following her around so he can save her) would be tolerated if he weren't 100 percent supa-fine. Which leads to point number 5 …'
'Vampires sparkle! Who knew vampires were so flamboyant? Edward leads Bella to the top of a mountain, where he proceeds to take off his shirt to show her why he can't go in the sun. He's sparkly! Do you get it now Bella!? He can't go out into the sun because people will want to make handbags out of him! Despite that, Bella stares stupidly and tells him he's 'beautiful.' Surprise, surprise! Barf.
''You better hang on, spider monkey.' This is the only reason I saw the movie - um, twice. The first time it was with my mom, who, like most Phoenix housewives, loves the book. The second time was with my roommate after I begged her to come see the movie with me to hear one line. Edward tells Bella to hop on his back, looking back and telling her 'you better hang on, spider monkey,' because he's going to fly her above the trees and stare at her among the branches.'
'The movie has ruined two of my favorite bands. Muse and Radiohead are among the likes of Linkin Park and Paramore on the soundtrack. What!? The filmmakers went so far as to edit out a potentially risky Muse lyric in their song 'Supermassive Black Hole.' The opening line of the song 'Oh baby don't you know I suffer? Oh baby can you hear me moan?' was edited down only to the first question. Because you can only moan during sex, you know.'
'Meyer clearly thinks she's Bella. The plain, average character has five hot guys after her at any given time. Why? Because she's so virtuous and plain! Guys love that! Meyer would know.'
'Bella sucks. And she's not even a vampire. She has no problem being a 'strong' little sassy pants toward her parents, but she can't walk out the door without being victimized and therefore saved by the sparkly Edward.'