Late again, Tommy? You're pathetic!

I got a D+! I'm gonna graduate!

-I can't hear you, you're trailing off. And did I catch a 'niner' in there? Were you calling from a walkie-talkie?
-No, it was a cordless.

You know a lot of people go to college for seven years.

Melted chocolate inside the dash, that really ups the resale value.

-Listen, Richard could you...
-Run these figures by accounting, no problem.

It's called reading.

-Is that for me?
-No, son, that's for me.

I'm Paul. You must be Tommy.

I'm a maniac, maniac on the floor! And I'm dancin like I've never danced before!

Luke. Luke, i am your father! lor-la-lo-lay-lo-lo-la-lo...

So, how do we look?

Listen up you little spazoids, I know where you live and I've seen where you sleep! I swear to everything holy that your mothers will cry when they see what I've done to you!

If this factory goes under, the whole town goes under.

Wh***s, runnin around, doin their little behind shake for the menfolk.

Richard knows more about brake pads than anyone in here. And since you were my dad's right hand man, hmm, I'd say you have the rest of the year pretty much wide open.

Let's say the average person uses 10 percent of their brain. How much do you use? 1 1/2 percent.

Hey does this suit make me look fat?

All right, now, it's sale time, so remember, we don't take no...

-Well, it's gotta be on the map. Davenport, I mean, because you say it's 22 miles away, and you're really smart, yet it's not on the map.
-I'm picking up your sarcasm.

-Hey, why didn't you pump any gas?
-They're all out. They only got diesel. Better go to the next station.

It's the next town, Tons of Fun, it's gotta be there.

-You take dead animals to the vet?
-Why not, I'd take you to the vet.
-Yeah, I'll take you to the...

Hey by finesse, do you mean sputtering out sentence fragments and lighting things on fire?

I swear I've seen a lot of stuff in my life, but that...was...awesome!!!!!!

Look, Mommy, the rhino's getting too close to the car!

If I wanted a kiss I would have called your mother......that was a good one.

Tommy likey. Tommy want wingy.

Hi. I'm Earth. Have we met?

Richard...what were you doing?

-That's the answer!
-It doesn't look like the answer...

When I stop the car, run out screaming.

-Hey mom, it's the guy who robbed the bank!
-I didn't rob any bank!

-Went a little heavy on the pine-tree perfume there, kid.
-Sir, it's a taxi cab air freshener.

Richard, I'm gonna need your watch. I've...got a...plan.

-Is that why you've strapped a bomb to your chest?
-Oh this isn't a bomb, these are road flares.
-Road flares?

R.T., I lost my virginity to your daughter for cryin out loud!