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Behind every successful man is me smiling and taking partial credit.
I saw it on an episode of I Love Lucy. Pathetic? Maybe, but it feels pretty good to have a bunch of little boys be super in to me. That came out wrong.
Are you gonna murder me and bury me at this gas station?
When you sit back and let your reputation be destroyed. You go down in history as a frozen wh*re.
I definitely have more lions than any other country in the whole world right now.
She's the cold distant mother I never had. I love her.
What is wrong with you today? Did they cancel Game of Thrones?
Encapsulate the spirit of melancholy. Easy. Boom, a sad desk. Boom, sad wall. It’s art.
You stayed up all night, the night before an all night telethon?
Straight down the middle. No hook, no spin, no fuss. Anything more and this becomes figure skating.
I love her so much, but I think I'm going to draw a mustache on her face.
OK, this is what I would do: I would start with a joke. Joke. Vince Vaughn quote, obviously.
Damn, Jerry! You jumped in a creek for a burrito? What’d you do for a Klondike bar? Kill your wife?
I'd like you to get me some more post-its. I'd like them in multiple colors. I'd like green. I'd like yellow. Do not buy orange. I do not want orange.
Oh my God! There's a room full of just guns!
I have cried twice in my life. Once, when I was 7 and was hit by a bus, and again when I learned that L'il Sebastian had passed.
Meeting in one hour. If you don't make it you're on my donezo list.
Get a thicker tie, it looks weird on you. It makes your head look like a fish.
Horizons are dumb, never broaden your horizons.
I’m surrounded by a lot of women in this department. And that includes the men.
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