Buffy the Vampire Slayer & Angel Quotes

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QuoteWho Said ItSeason, Episode Name
[1] Touchdown! Go Team Me! [2] Did anyone tell Team You your Quarterback throws like a girl? [1] I do?
I saw you in bed.
Why not call me Horny Giles or Desperate For a Shag Giles?!
That'll put marzipan in your pie plate bingo.
Where's the creep that turned me into his spider-eating man-bitch
Too bad we'll never know...if this is a face you could learn to love.
You mean he actually says Eureka?
[1] For God's sakes, *name*! You've been in here for 30 minutes. What are you doing? [2] Entertaining and educating. [1] Why can't you just masturbate like the rest of us?
A muscle cramp? In your... pants?
Ass-pansy!
That is such a twinkie defense.
I didn't jump. I took a tiny step and there conclusions were.
[1] What if you just start attracting male demons? [2] Clem always liked you.
[1] I don't know. Xander said... [2] Xander? Oh, he's the deadest man in Deadonia.
Right. What's a little sweater sniffing between sworn enemies?
[1] These spells, these really work? I mean, can you really 'turn your enemies inside out'? Or 'learn to excrete gold coins'? [2] That one's not so much fun.
[1] No pulse. [2] Yup. Space lamb got him.
How about 'cause you're a tiny impotent Nazi with a bug up his butt the size of an emu?
[1] How's evil taste? [2] A little chalky.
I smell a fox in my henhouse.
[1] A bear! You made a bear! [2] I didn't mean to. [1] Undo it! Undo it!
Party in my eye socket and everyone's invited.
I think he wants to make me his butt monkey.
It's the end of the world.
[1] Right. You can't just go 'librum incendere' and expect...(book catches fire) [2] *Name*, don't speak Latin in front of the books.
You're a bloody puppet!
[1] I've lived in Sunnydale a couple of years now. You know what I've never noticed before? [2] Uh, a castle? [1] A big, honkin' castle.
He'd celebrate the opening of a mailbox with a drink down in the pub.
Here's the plan: We go in, I start hitting people hard in the face, see where it takes us.
Yes, he's clearly a bad influence on himself.
No such animal.
My sodden sleeping chair's bloody...sodden.
No, sweetie, I am the magics.
[1] So she's like a TV star? [2] No, nothing that bad. Bit more violent, though.
Just so you know, I'm prepared to hate this woman any way you want.
He is very fortunate to have such a woman looking after his weapon.
Um. I have a really bad idea.
Oh penis!
[1] What are you? [2] Capricorn on the cusp of Aquarius. You? [1] Sorry. Came out a little blunter than intended.
It eats you starting with your bottom.
We do not joke about eating people in this house!
I may be love's bitch but at least I'm man enough to admit it.
[1]Now all we gotta do is trap this Übervamp in the pantry, and it's game over. [2]*name*, newbies. Let's ease them into the whole 'jokes in the face of death' thing.
[1] Guys. Take a moment to deal with this. We survived. [2] It was a hell of a battle. [1] Not the battle. High school.
My nog tastes funny. I think I got one with rum in it.
Someone needs a hug.
[1] Hey, I eat danger for breakfast. [2] But oddly enough, she panics in the face of breakfast foods.
Oh, I know. Every night it’s Jeopardy, followed by Wheel of Fortune and a cup of hot cocoa. Look out, girls, this one can’t be tamed!
Handsome man saved me from the monsters.
QuoteWho Said ItSeason, Episode Name
Those are... metaphor intestines! You're not in any real pain!
[1] Um, why is that guy tied to a chair? [2] The question you'll soon be asking is, 'Why isn't he gagged?'
So pretty. Can I have one?
Are you saying we should start annoying other people?
We die horribly and painfully. You go to hell, and I spend eternity in the arms of Baby Jesus.
Thank God we're pretty.
And one world with nothing but shrimp... I tired of that one quickly.
Spank us till Tuesday.
That's not true. Sometimes we all help to save you...And-and sometimes you're not in trouble.
Why not just try all 32 flavors?
[1] I'm sick of being the guy who eats insects and gets the funny syphilis. As of this moment, it's over. I'm finished being everybody's butt-monkey! [2] Check. No more butt monkey
[1] There are men, better men, wherein the mind is stronger than the penis. [2] Pfft. Nothing can defeat the penis.
Two men enter. One man leaves.
Well, there you go. Even when he's good he's all Mr. Billowy Coat King of Pain.
You never know what's coming, the stake is not the power, To Serve Man is a cookbook. I love you. Go away.
Everybody loves a slender ankle.
[1] Ow! Watch it, that's my joystick hand. [2] I'm not gonna touch that one.
Very Juice Newton.
I don't think you'll want it, but you'll take it, because this is the offer of a lifetime...Just not, you know, mine.
Your body warms. This one is lusting after me.
[1] So, I took a look inside that emergency bag of Principal Wood's. [2] And? [1] Smelled weird. Kinda like Grandma's closet, but worse. [2] I didn't know that was possible.
Your shirt...
[1] Oh my god, are you twelve? [2] I'm getting the brush-off for Captain Peroxide.
[1] Would you let it go? You're like a dog with a bone. [2] So what? [1] It's my bone! Just drop it.
I watched 'Passions' with Spike. Let us never speak of it again.
His physical presence has a penis!
[1] See, that's why we don't point the weapons in the kitchen. [2] It's not loaded. [1] That's always the lead quote under the headline, 'Household Crossbow Accident Claims Teen.'
Oh yeah? Says who? [looks at sign] Oh my gosh. I'm so sorry. I didn't see the sign.
[1] Shouldn't you be tucked away in your beddy-bye all warm and safe where nothing can eat you? [2] Is that supposed to scare me? [1] Little tremble wouldn't hurt.
I left my bra in his car.
[1] W-What if this is all part of the plan? Drive you guys away so It can have Its way with me? E-Ev-Ever think of that? [2] I'll risk it.
[1] If you want him, you're going to have to go through me! [2] Okey dokey.
That's a weird place for a horn...That's not a horn.
[1]Oh, balls! You didn't say he was a Glarghk Guhl Kashmas'nik! [2] 'Cause I can't say Glarba...
[Talking about Warren] She killed him. Ripped him apart and bloodied up the forest doing it. Now she's coming here and the two of you are next.
Danced with is a pretty loose term. Mated with might be a little closer.
[1] I'm guessing on how you say it. It's got an apostrophe. I think it's MmmFashnik. Like 'Mmm... cookies!'. [2] Or maybe, Muh-Fashnik. Like Muh... Fashnik.
[1] So what do we do? [2] Easy. We burn the house to the ground and collect the insurance. Plus, fire. Pretty.
Then stop flexing your manly boob-muscles or whatever.
Allow me to answer that question with a firing.
[1] What am I gonna do? I think about sex all the time! Sex! Help! 4x5 is 30. 5x6 is 32. Naked girls. Naked women! And naked *name*! Oh, stop me! [2] God, *name*. Is that all you t
All I'm saying is soulless Spike would have had me upside down and half-way to happyland by now.
[1]What do you think happened? Another demon woman was attracted to me. I'm going gay. I've decided I'm turning gay. Willow, gay me up. Come on, let's gay. [2] What?
Somebody get me a lawyer, because my civil rights have seriously been violated.
Who you gonna call? [gets a look from *Buffy*] God, that phrase is never gonna be usable again, is it?
Hey that's cheating!
Since when do they have orgies, and why aren't I on the mailing list?
[1] Everyone else is being all twitchy and secretive. [2] They're just trying to keep you safe, I expect. [1] I feel safe with you. [2] Take that back!
Shh! Hospital zone. No singing.
QuoteWho Said ItSeason, Episode Name
Step on what? I've driven tricycles with more power than this.
Its not supposed to mix with anything. You think he's taking prescription medication?
Because it's a killer snot monster from outerspace. I did not say that.
[1] Something's eating Xander's head. [2] Say, that's gratifying.
[1] Guess she's out with Riley. You know how it is with a spanking new boyfriend. [2] Yes, we've enjoyed spanking.
[1] This could be trouble. [2] We'd better make a fort. [1] I'll get some pillows.
I wear the cheese, it does not wear me.
A bidet. Like a bidet of evil.
To read makes our speaking English good.
[1] Yes, because the mall was actually in Sunnydale, so there's no hope of going there tomorrow. [2] We destroyed the mall? I fought on the wrong side.
Put me on the short bus, and send me off to clueless school.
Hello salty goodness.
[1] We'll get ya fixed up. You'll be doin' limbo in no time. [2] Yeah as a pole!
[1] Where's my burger? [2] Yeah, man, I'm starving. Cow me.
You filthy harlot! I'm gonna tear your neck out!
Well, first you say it's cat. Then you come in, hand me a burger, blah blah blah, five minutes later, 'Oh, by the way, it happens to be hot, delicious human flesh'?
Anchovies anchovies you're so delicious. I love you more than all the other fishes.
That blade is very old! Who knows what kind of corrosive effect your cooking may have on it?
I'm so scared. What's next? Vampire Cowboy. Vampire Fireman? Oh, Vampire Ballerina!
'I'm so rotten, they don't even have a word for it. I'm bad. Baddy bad bad bad. Does it make you horny?' Or terrified. Whatever.
It's an ancient sacred text, not a Magic Eight Ball.
Schpadoinkle.
There's blood on this. Lots. Looks like The First made another sacrifice. Or a music video.
[1] I love a ritual sacrifice. [2] It's not really a one of those. [1] To commemorate a past event, you kill and eat an animal. It's a ritual sacrific. With pie.
[1] And was there a lesson in all this, huh? What did we learn about beer? [2] Foamy. [1] Good. Just as long as that's clear.
People may say something like, 'My protein window closes in an hour'. Just... nod and smile. 'Mm-hmm.' Turns out it has something to do with fitness.
Oh, yes, no. He's no lounger, this one.
...but not to obey you, of course, because that's anachronistic and misogynistic and who do you think you are, like a sea captain or something?
We should try shouting 'fire'. It's not technically a crowded theater.
Anya's going to try to cook. Want to watch the tears and recriminations?
[1] Potential Slayers can function without sleep. Me, I'm no good without my usual 90 minutes. [2] I'm with him. Keep the chatter down! Or speak up so I can hear you... I'm bored.
[1] I happen to be very biteable pal. I'm moist and delicious. [2] Alright, yeah, fine. You're a nummy treat. [1] And don't you forget it.
Always walking around like you had a great big stake shoved up your English Channel.
[1] In all fairness, I don't think we know about the slithered part. [2] Oh no, I'm sure it frisked about like a fluffy lamb.
You're right. He's evil. But you should see him naked! I mean really!
[1] Just once I would like to run into a cult of bunny worshippers. [2] Great! Thank you very much for those nightmares.
And how do you expect to get that hunk of rubble into my cranium?
One of us has been drinking, and I'm sorry to say it's not me
[1] Come on. Who's the man? [2] You are. A very short, annoying man.
[1] There's an old conjuration that the ancient Turks used to communicate with the dying. [2] Oh, yeah. I think I've read a translation?
She's not just saying that. Hide some in the office sometime and watch her. It's uncanny.
You're stepping on my moment of manliness here.
Too squishy. When I was five, Buffy told me they were monkey brains, and...
Ugh, well, that's gonna go straight to my hips.
Well, I can't take you in a fight or anything, even with a chip in your head. But you do sleep. If you hurt my sister at all... touch her... you're waking up on fire
I'm not stealing. I'm just taking things without paying for them. In what twisted dictionary is that called stealing?
I think Mr. Too-Much-Cologne is the pot calling the kettle stinky.
And there's something else you should know about me. I have no problem spanking men.
[1] We're safe. Right. And, uh, Spike built a robot Buffy to play checkers with. [2] I-It sounded convincing when I thought it.

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