Players of Gardner Puck

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Can you name the Players of Gardner Puck?

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ditched the Gardner All-Stars leading to their loss
wears a Trevor Linden jersey
GM of the disappointing Gardner All-Stars
wears an old panthers jersey and leads the league in PIMs
in rare appearances he wears a senators jersey
doesn't wear skates and has a hill named after him
looks like a barber shop pole when playing
one of the few players that actually looks athletic
dekes himself out regularly and often can be heard screaming NO GOAL
once ordered a half pint of raspberry beer to split with his girlfriend
always wears his embarassing team's jersey
sprawls out on the ice as the hairy ice monster
one half of a weekend detective partnership
likes the capitals and has trouble skating
lives on the 1st floor and has flashes of brilliance
executes his big body presence on those smaller than him

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