Players of Gardner Puck

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Can you name the Players of Gardner Puck?

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one of the few players that actually looks athletic
executes his big body presence on those smaller than him
dekes himself out regularly and often can be heard screaming NO GOAL
wears an old panthers jersey and leads the league in PIMs
looks like a barber shop pole when playing
GM of the disappointing Gardner All-Stars
in rare appearances he wears a senators jersey
ditched the Gardner All-Stars leading to their loss
once ordered a half pint of raspberry beer to split with his girlfriend
lives on the 1st floor and has flashes of brilliance
doesn't wear skates and has a hill named after him
one half of a weekend detective partnership
wears a Trevor Linden jersey
sprawls out on the ice as the hairy ice monster
likes the capitals and has trouble skating
always wears his embarassing team's jersey

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