Wow that was some kiss. I emptied the dishwasher during it.

Well I've just been turned down from every job in [blank] County that doesn't involve selling Cocaine.

For the first time in my marriage, I know what it's like to be the one wearing the panties.

Kids, we're on welfare. Come on, help Daddy scatter car parts on the lawn.

I'm not superstitious. But I am a little stitious.

Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You can't stare at it. It's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away.

Your lips say yes but your cuticles speak volumes!

Sending a picture of yourself in a bikini to Jon Stewart doesn't make you 'politically involved.

Guys can fake it? Unbelievable! The ONE thing that's ours.

-You'll be fine once you get there. -That's what they told the captain of the Titanic!

If anyone calls for me, tell them I'm out buying power tools.

Madonna does it, it's trendy. I do it, I'm a freak.

It would be a shame to waste two dozen gorgeous male bodies. Especially when there are women in India going to bed frustrated!

They said if I come in late again I'd be fired, and I can't risk that. So I'm not going.

It's Canada. Question One: Do you want to be Canadian. Two: Really??

She knows what she's talking about. Mom's been on more hotel pillows than a chocolate mint.

Yes, I went into quite a funk after [son] was born. I wouldn't pick him up for a year. And I don't care what the books say, I still think it was the right thing to do!

When I was single I got to be happy whenever I was happy. Now I guess I'm happy only during that subset of times when you're happy too.

No, I'm not pretending I'm pregnant anymore. This isn't eighth grade gym class!

Honey, we talked about this. You're eight years old. We live in Los Angeles. You have to learn how to swim. You can't keep going to pool parties telling people you have your period

No worries. I explained our predicament to the letter carrier. He was sympathetic. His exact words were: Got your back Jack! Bitches be crazy!

The directions on the shirt said 'Hand Wash'. So that's exactly what I did. Before I put the clothes in the washer, I washed my hands.

It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear

[Son] was just about to watch Pocahontas and write a satirical essay on its historical inaccuracies.

What are these guys thinking? I'm way past my 'dating prisoners' phase. I mean, hello, I'm not 19 anymore.