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JESS: [on phone] I gotta go, Mom. No, I'm not watching Dirty Dancing. No, I don't think so. [to Nick] Hey, are you gonna murder me 'cause you're a stranger I met on the Internet?
SCHMIDT: You consider me a sexy man, correct?
SCHMIDT: I'm really gonna need you to step it up tonight, okay? When I see you, I wanna be thinking, 'Who let the dirty **** out of the **** house?'
JESS: You just hang out with jerks like Gavin. Oh, I'm sorry... DJ Diabeat It
JESS: You know what, tomorrow night, let's just go out to dinner and then just nail each other. Just pound each other.
JESS: ...so after warning the kids that there would be serious repercussions if this continued, I delivered a lesson...
JESS: [on her new hutch] Can you believe I found this on the street? Who would want to throw this away?
JESS: I love these parties. I feel like I'm an ambassador, or a spy, or, like, a really high-class prostitute.
SCHMIDT: [about Cece] She's never gonna be happy with somebody like me, Jess. JESS: What? That's crazy.
JESS: I had the best sex of my life last night. He brewed me like a fine chamomile.
CECE: I got your text. When you're going through a 'Taylor Swift-like range of emotions,' I should come over, right?
JESS: When I hear all the stuff about Cece's profession, like the dieting, it's crazy. And the butt drinking and the... NICK: Did you say 'butt drinking'? JESS: Yeah.
CECE: I know you're trying to avoid me, but just— just take this gift I got you and I will walk away.
SCHMIDT: Damn it! I've been trying to get something going with myself for a full hour.
JESS: [to Nick] You can't escape destiny! She comes for us all, that relentless bitch! [turns to Schmidt] That's right. Destiny's a lady.
JESS: [reading Nick's hardware store list] Long-shafted... drive drill? New nut wrench? NICK: Our old nut wrench is bad. JESS: Quick-hardening... caulk.
SCHMIDT: Where's your boyfriend? CECE: We're meeting up later because he has a little surprise for me.
SCHMIDT: ...you can design your own perfume: Base notes of cocoa because of your brown...ness, sea salt because it kind of sounds like Cece. Uh, and sandalwood...
SCHMIDT: Damn it!
SCHMIDT: Nick, I came up with the best name for an uncircumcised penis:
SCHMIDT: What if he gets into an accident? What if he's horribly disfigured, and I have to identify him, and all that remains are his private parts?
[To Cece, after she says there's nothing less sexy than a dude asking if he can kiss you] SCHMIDT: Nothing?
SCHMIDT: Damp towel, damp! It's like a really big wet nap.
SCHMIDT: Jess, you can't laugh at a naked man -- especially Nick. Nick is delicate. Like a flower.
SCHMIDT: Can someone please get my towel?
[To Cece, after she asks about having car sex] SCHMIDT: I can't do any of my moves in there. I like to improvise with my body.
SCHMIDT: Winston, you better watch it, man, because I will take you down. I had figure skating lessons until I was 13,
[With Benjamin, in a flashback, singing] SCHMIDT: We built this Schmidty,
SCHMIDT: Jess, you know what? I'll let you check my lost and found.
SCHMIDT: I worked 80 hours this week.
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