Weird Al Horoscope

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Can you name the the signs from Weird Al's 'That's Your Horoscope for Today'?

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Song Lyricsastrological sign
There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus, fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day
You will never find true happiness - what you gonna do, cry about it? The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss's face, oh no Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik
All your friends are laughing behind your back (kill them) Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've got hanging in your den
Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window Work a little bit harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak
The position of Jupiter says you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's test
Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say
You will never find true happiness - what you gonna do, cry about it? The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep
The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person, but you know they're lying If I were you, I’d lock my doors and windows and never never never never never leave my hou
All _____'s are extremely friendly and intelligent - except for you Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick
Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence Your love life will run into trouble when your fiancé hurls a javelin through your chest
A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented than you Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts

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