Stand-up quotes

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QuoteComedianShow/Appearance
They've never found the English equivalent for 'F*** off' - and it isn't 'go away'...you never read 'F*** off, he hinted'
Arnold Schwarzenegger is the Governor of California... there's a perfectly ordinary English sentence
You say 'bay-sil', and we say 'basil', you say 'erb' and we say 'herb' - because there's a f***ing 'H' in it
I was asked this evening not to be patronising or sexist. I thought, 'fair enough, let's face it - birds can't take it'
I don't really believe in that [premature ejaculation] - if I cum it was right on time
You cannot win an argument with a woman. It's impossible. You will not win. 'Cause men, we are handicapped when it comes to arguing - we have a need to make sense
Saying 'I apologise' is the very same as saying 'I'm sorry' - they're the same. Unless you're at a funeral
QuoteComedianShow/Appearance
[An identity-thief] cloned my credit card, gone over to Tesco - 250 quid on my card at Tesco. Half of me was fuming... while the other half was 'Ooh, think of the points'
Really it's no surprise that he [Bob Geldof] is such an expert on famine. He has, after all, been dining out on 'I Don't Like Mondays' for 30 years.
The ultimate goal is to have my own TV show. But as we all know, the BBC have a diversity policy. Apparently I have to wait for Lenny Henry to die
I said to my wife that you support Man City or Man United, and it was her, not me, who pointed out that they do sound like gay clubs
I've never worked out what the moral of 'Humtpy Dumpty' is. I can only think of 'don't sit on a wall if you're an egg'
I am in fact the only Iranian comedian in the world. Don't clap - that's actually three more than Germany

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Created Feb 28, 2010ReportNominate
Tags:quote, show, appearance, comedian, stand-up