| Quote | Comedian | Show/Appearance |
|---|
| They've never found the English equivalent for 'F*** off' - and it isn't 'go away'...you never read 'F*** off, he hinted' | |
| Arnold Schwarzenegger is the Governor of California... there's a perfectly ordinary English sentence | |
| You say 'bay-sil', and we say 'basil', you say 'erb' and we say 'herb' - because there's a f***ing 'H' in it | |
| I was asked this evening not to be patronising or sexist. I thought, 'fair enough, let's face it - birds can't take it' | |
| I don't really believe in that [premature ejaculation] - if I cum it was right on time | |
| You cannot win an argument with a woman. It's impossible. You will not win. 'Cause men, we are handicapped when it comes to arguing - we have a need to make sense | |
| Saying 'I apologise' is the very same as saying 'I'm sorry' - they're the same. Unless you're at a funeral | |
| | Quote | Comedian | Show/Appearance |
|---|
| [An identity-thief] cloned my credit card, gone over to Tesco - 250 quid on my card at Tesco. Half of me was fuming... while the other half was 'Ooh, think of the points' | |
| Really it's no surprise that he [Bob Geldof] is such an expert on famine. He has, after all, been dining out on 'I Don't Like Mondays' for 30 years. | |
| The ultimate goal is to have my own TV show. But as we all know, the BBC have a diversity policy. Apparently I have to wait for Lenny Henry to die | |
| I said to my wife that you support Man City or Man United, and it was her, not me, who pointed out that they do sound like gay clubs | |
| I've never worked out what the moral of 'Humtpy Dumpty' is. I can only think of 'don't sit on a wall if you're an egg' | |
| I am in fact the only Iranian comedian in the world. Don't clap - that's actually three more than Germany | |
|
Chat Acronyms (Common)
Seven Dirty Words
3 Letter Body Parts
