He wouldn't act so blasé if he knew he’d be spending his term inside Norway’s most notorious prison—the Fjordview Wellness Retreat.

Finally! Our last obstacle to having a solitary and depressing New Year’s Eve is gone.

What a disgrace. Any properly run government agency should be able to blow through way more money than that in Vegas.

It must be the spring, when credit card debt statements fade in the glow of the late April sun.

Have they tried restarting the machine? Sometimes that helps.

So the good news is that the quality of life increases, but the bad news is that the quality of life decreases?

Is it just me, or is this rush to judgment taking forever?

Oh, no! I hope they still have enough money left to refund these headphones I just shipped back. They were really [crappy].

I hope they're able to play nice together.

Hey, Gordon Lightfoot, ‘The Wreck Of The Ryou-Un Maru’ could be your ticket to a lake house.

Thank goodness cockroaches just crawl right into Dunkin' Donuts coffee machines every day so that I can still get my morning insect fix.

What better libertarian tribute could there be than forcing players into a world of rules they didn't create to achieve a goal they never chose?

That's a shame. I liked his position on human suffering.

So long as they don’t ax the person who keeps me up-to-date on the Kardashians when I go to check my e-mail.

Just as Icarus flew too close to the merciless sun…I forget how the rest of that goes. Sign me up!

I hope no one vets me. I donated $5, and one time I stole a bracelet from Target.

It’s good to see Pakistan’s refusing to harbor terrorists’ widows.

Those things are always won by some podunk hick who wouldn’t know what to do with a dollar if it bit him in the—hey, wait a minute. That’s me!

And what’s worse, no set of noise-canceling headphones in the world can drown out the horrible sound of all that ghost barking.

How corrupt could these states be if they didn’t even bribe the people conducting the survey to give them a passing grade?