| Quote | Character | Season |
| 'That's beyond dispicable. That's culinary terroism!' | |
| 'I don't understand. I mean, what would George be doing with a life-sized doll? Oh dear Lord.' | |
| 'Julie! Julie! I need you to try and unlock the door - oh what am I saying she's two.' | |
| 'Stop! If you keep talking your going to work your way into my heart and I just don't want you anywhere near my heart. Ever.' | |
| 'Pants wouldn't hurt.' | |
| 'Last week I was looking in her mouth and decided to put my tongue in it.' | |
| 'Yeah well let's face it MJ could get beaten up by a kitten.' | |
| 'And this is my son. The criminal.' | |
| 'Evan's mean. He hit me with a dead squirrel.' | |
| 'I just thought of something. I'm never going to celebrate my 53rd wedding annivarsary, I'd have to live into my nineties... Oh my god, I'm gonna die!' | |
| | Quote | Character | Season |
| 'This is ridiculous. Who am I disturbing? It's a coma ward, don't you want them to wake up?' | |
| 'I think I've got the right tree. Just sick of barking.' | |
| 'Time to pick your poison. How about a belt, it's a classic. Well we could go with the whole hickory stick, it's a cliché but it's pretty effective. I know, we'll go with the spat | |
| 'Yeah and after that she can go solve crimes with shaggy and the gang.' | |
| 'Human beings are designed for many things. Loneliness isn't one of them.' | |
| 'Rex cries after he ejaculates.' | |
| 'Eat a lot and come back cos our kids need braces.' | |
| 'No! Go ride the python!' | |
| 'I have to walk in heels all day long. You get to sit in a chair and roll.' | |
| 'For a guy getting rubbed on by a hot nurse you ask a lot of questions!' | |
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