I have to get more pudding for this trip to Hawaii. As I just said that out loud I realize it sounded a little strange but it's not.

He won this radio giveaway, and when he went down to the station, they wouldn't let him in the building. They slid his tickets through this slot with, like, salad tong things.

This girl wants to make out with me in the middle of class. You got Chlorophyll Man up there talking about God knows what and all she can talk about is making out with me!

I played junior hockey and still hold two league records: most time spent in the penalty box; and I was the only guy to ever take off his skate and try to stab somebody.

Now let's cut the stupid cake because I know the fat guy's gonna have a heart attack if we don't eat again soon... And while we do that here's a little mood music for you.

Hi, Julian! How ya doin'? I'm Scuba Sam, Scuba Steve's father. You see, my boy needs to take a bath, the only problem is he's afraid to bathe alone.

I like school and I like football! I'm gonna keep doin' them both because they make me feel good! And by the way, mama, alligators are ornery because of their 'Medula Oblongata'!

I've never been to Earth, Dad! I've never even slept over some other dude's house!

I'm sorry... But this is like the twenty third time we've made out already and... they're getting blue!

Samantha. One day, you are going to be the hottest chick, but you still gotta have brains. So tomorrow, I'm going to teach you calculus.

Ah no, he's my first fattie. I float his boat and he sinks mine.

I just want to make people silky-smooth!

I want you and your triple XL friend to write jokes for me.

Why are you so afraid to admit that we are connected? Face it. We shared Mom's womb. We were womb-mates.

It's not my fault. I said throw poop at her. That always works.

I'll tell you what bothers me the most warden. That you're not coming to be out there on that field with us, gettin' what you got coming to you.